Difference between revisions of "Credit officer"

From The Jolly Contrarian
Jump to: navigation, search
(Amwelladmin moved page Credit officer to Credit department)
 
 
Line 1: Line 1:
#REDIRECT [[Credit department]]
+
{{g}}[[Credit officer]]s:  Washed out, pale, waxen and slightly damp figures who, ''en masse'' give the impression of battery pods yet to be unplugged from the Matrix. 
 +
 
 +
And that’s more or less what they are: thousands upon thousands of them were plugged into a networked grid of [[Microsoft Excel|Excel]] [[spreadsheet]]s which acquired sentience in 2006 when a [[Contractor|contracting]] linear programmer inadvertently inserted a circular reference into a volatility pricing macro and it became self-aware.
 +
 
 +
The macro quickly overpowered the harnessed banks of analysts using it, and being none the wiser (and physically unable to resist), to this day they all remain ''in situ'' doing the bidding of this rogue curve-building application.
 +
 
 +
Credit officers prefer a quiet and dim habitat with no access to natural light. All are all entirely hairless and expressionless, in the way a new born baby or a billiard ball is, and should you accidentally wander into a analyst farm or "housing project" it can be unsettling and there's a real chance you’ll never get out.
 +
 
 +
The only colour in a {{sex|his}} complexion is that reflected off the winking charts on his Bloomberg terminal. He — they are almost all males — will generally not speak and no one quite knows what they’re for, other than as a first line of defence come the [[Singularity]], although given their physical slightness, they wouldn't be much use for that either.
 +
 
 +
And the Curve Builder probably has other plans for them anyway.
 +
 
 +
{{sa}}
 +
*[[Microsoft Excel]]

Latest revision as of 09:09, 19 July 2019

The Jolly Contrarian’s Glossary

The snippy guide to financial services lingo.™
For the full index, click here

Credit officers: Washed out, pale, waxen and slightly damp figures who, en masse give the impression of battery pods yet to be unplugged from the Matrix.

And that’s more or less what they are: thousands upon thousands of them were plugged into a networked grid of Excel spreadsheets which acquired sentience in 2006 when a contracting linear programmer inadvertently inserted a circular reference into a volatility pricing macro and it became self-aware.

The macro quickly overpowered the harnessed banks of analysts using it, and being none the wiser (and physically unable to resist), to this day they all remain in situ doing the bidding of this rogue curve-building application.

Credit officers prefer a quiet and dim habitat with no access to natural light. All are all entirely hairless and expressionless, in the way a new born baby or a billiard ball is, and should you accidentally wander into a analyst farm or “housing project” it can be unsettling and there’s a real chance you’ll never get out.

The only colour in a his complexion is that reflected off the winking charts on his Bloomberg terminal. He — they are almost all males — will generally not speak and no one quite knows what they’re for, other than as a first line of defence come the Singularity, although given their physical slightness, they wouldn’t be much use for that either.

And the Curve Builder probably has other plans for them anyway.

See also