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{{a| | {{a|cayman| | ||
A love letter, written in | {{image|Ugland House|jpg|[[Ugland House]]: home to tens of thousands of helpless little orphan [[SPV]]s}}{{image|Rum cake|jpg|Tortuga is Spanish for Tortoise. Fact.}}{{image|Rum cake close-up|jpg|I mean just look at the ''heft'' of it.}}}}A love letter, written in tortoise honey. | ||
Many people around the world make it their business to deal with [[Cayman Islands]] {{tag|special purpose vehicle}}s. It couldn’t get much more exotic:— High finance, international intrigue, faxes running out of paper at the critical moment and saving Tom Cruise’s bacon<ref>John Grisham: ''The Firm''. Possible, but highly implausible.</ref> | Many people around the world make it their business to deal with [[Cayman Islands]] {{tag|special purpose vehicle}}s. It couldn’t get much more exotic:— High finance, international intrigue, faxes running out of paper at the critical moment and saving Tom Cruise’s bacon;<ref>John Grisham: ''The Firm''. Possible, but highly implausible.</ref> drug-dealing gangsters throwing [[Anti-money laundering|money-launderers]] to the crocs<ref>Ben Affleck in {{fr|Runner Runner}}. Preposterous. There aren’t crocodiles in the [[Cayman Islands]]. {{cayman crocodiles}} | ||
</ref> and of course a whole, crazy, swinging scene out there of inter-marital ''jiggery pokery'' — the island is about the size of Poole, in the middle of a cruel ocean and beset by tropical storms, so it is no real surprise spouses wind up in each others’ beds, especially in hurricane season. Viz: | </ref> and of course a whole, crazy, swinging scene out there of inter-marital ''jiggery pokery'' — the island is about the size of Poole, in the middle of a cruel ocean and beset by tropical storms, so it is no real surprise spouses wind up in each others’ beds, especially in hurricane season. Viz: | ||
:—Oh look! my car is in the neighbour’s tree! | :—Oh look! my car is in the neighbour’s tree! | ||
:—And my launch is on the neighbour’s garage! | :—And my launch is on the neighbour’s garage! | ||
:—And there’s the | :—And there’s the other half, on the neighbour’s kitchen table! | ||
I digress. But did you have any idea writing board resolutions could be so exciting? | I digress. But did you have any idea writing board resolutions could be so exciting? | ||
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Me neither. | Me neither. | ||
So, pity the sad cadre of {{tag|London}}-bound [[Mediocre lawyer|lawyers]] who commission [[Cayman]] [[SPV]]s and have to review their salty board minutes<ref>Properly dirty these are. I couldn’t begin to tell you.</ref> — who spend long London evenings staring out into the dank gloom, longing for the exotic spice of island life and wondering what goes on behind the Hacienda frontages of [[Ugland House]], [[George Town]], [[Grand Cayman]]. | So, pity the sad cadre of {{tag|London}}-bound [[Mediocre lawyer|lawyers]] who commission [[Cayman]] [[SPV]]s and have to review their salty board minutes<ref>Properly dirty these are. I couldn’t begin to tell you.</ref> — who spend long London evenings staring out into the dank gloom, longing for the exotic spice of island life and wondering what goes on behind the Hacienda frontages of [[Ugland House]], [[George Town]], [[Grand Cayman]]. | ||
But will anyone ever stump up to let these poor people actually ''go'' out there? Like, even to conduct [[due diligence]] or something? That would be prudent, right? Surely? | But will anyone ever stump up to let these poor people actually ''go'' out there? Like, even to conduct [[due diligence]] or something? That would be prudent, right? Surely? | ||
Now financiers are partial to absurd boondoggles. We know this: [[gardening leave]]; [[corporate entertainment]]; [[Business day convention|conferences in exotic locales]] — but even they have limits and you, sir, are ''not'' swanning off to the Caribbean just to “check the place out”. Not even for the good of the [[Firm]]<ref>See what I did there?</ref> | Now financiers are partial to absurd boondoggles. We know this: [[gardening leave]]; [[corporate entertainment]]; [[Business day convention|conferences in exotic locales]] — but even they have limits and you, sir, are ''not'' swanning off to the Caribbean just to “check the place out”. Not even for the good of the [[Firm]].<ref>See what I did there?</ref> | ||
No. The closest you will get is when those perma-tanned, randy [[corporate service provider|corporate service providers]], sitting on their deck-chairs in their occasionally inclement paradise send you their annual thank-you for your custom: By time-honoured tradition, they do this by means of an air-mailed Tortuga [[Cayman Islands rum cake]]. | No. The closest you will get is when those perma-tanned, randy [[corporate service provider|corporate service providers]], sitting on their deck-chairs in their occasionally inclement paradise send you their annual thank-you for your custom: By time-honoured tradition, they do this by means of an air-mailed Tortuga [[Cayman Islands rum cake]]. | ||
This may seem meagre compensation, but don’t be fooled. Just wait till you ''taste'' that bad boy. Just ''lift'' it: feel the ''heft''. Tortuga rum cakes are ''amazing''. They may arrive looking like they have been pummelled by baggage handlers at every depot across the Florida keys — in fairness they probably have — but the spicy ''wetness''. Like a great, moist, sopping, golden sponge, if you squeezed it, a rivulet of pure, golden nectar would run down your arm. | |||
For a second you will be bodily transported to that sun-kissed, philandering, intermittently-windy [[Cayman Islands|financial utopia]], and then, and ''then'' — | For a second you will be bodily transported to that sun-kissed, philandering, intermittently-windy [[Cayman Islands|financial utopia]], and then, and ''then'' — | ||
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*[[Cayman Islands]] | *[[Cayman Islands]] | ||
*[[Special purpose vehicle]] | *[[Special purpose vehicle]] | ||
{{ref}} | {{ref}} | ||
<references/> | |||