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It will start with clear and present danger (albeit apprehended through the foggy beer goggles of war, confusion and miscommunication from panicked people in [[operations|ops]]); it will gradually suck in more and more people across the organisation ([[legal]], [[litigation]], [[compliance]], [[senior relationship management]]) to a point where: | It will start with clear and present danger (albeit apprehended through the foggy beer goggles of war, confusion and miscommunication from panicked people in [[operations|ops]]); it will gradually suck in more and more people across the organisation ([[legal]], [[litigation]], [[compliance]], [[senior relationship management]]) to a point where: | ||
:(a) it becomes so large that the combined mass of important people creates a [[Schwarzschild radius]] and it collapses in on itself (the “'''''Bang''''' scenario”) or | :(a) it becomes ''so'' large that the combined mass of important people involved creates a [[Schwarzschild radius]] and it collapses in on itself (the “'''''Bang''''' scenario”) or | ||
:(b) it becomes ''so'' dispersed, and its [[entropy]] so great, that it fizzles out towards some kind of [[boredom heat death]] as it becomes clear that | :(b) it becomes ''so'' dispersed, and its [[entropy]] ''so'' great, that it fizzles out towards some kind of [[boredom heat death]] as it becomes clear that none of the legal terms so patiently negotiated, the firmwide policies so compendiously documented nor basic common-sense so parsimoniously rationed, has any prospect of overriding the dictates of [[Percy, who’s Queen?|keeping the client happy]] (the “'''''whimper''''' scenario”). | ||
As in so many avenues of modern life — well, mine, anyway — whimpers outnumber bangs by a proportion large enough to make | As in so many avenues of modern life — well, mine, anyway — whimpers outnumber bangs by a proportion large enough to make a “whimper” all but certain, but yet not ''quite'' certain enough that the risk of a “bang” can safely be ignored from the get-go. | ||
Even though — nay, ''because'' — they threaten our very existence, bangs are far more fun | Even though — nay, ''because'' — they threaten our very existence, bangs are far more fun than whimpers, and dealing with them is fully life-affirming — unless, deep down, you know they are really just jumped-up little whimpers masquerading as bangs. | ||
Which, of course, by immutable rotation of the heavenly dials, they will be. | |||
Parents of toddlers in 2001, who thus have that splendid motion picture ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' burned on their brains, know a “bang-disguised whimper” as a “[[2319]]”. | So you have to go through the motions for nothing and the outcome — [[fire drill]]s — are a regular part of commercial life. | ||
Parents of toddlers in 2001, who thus have that splendid motion picture ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' burned on their brains, know a “bang-disguised-whimper” as a “[[2319]]”. | |||
2. '''Office [[ennui]]''' (''archaic, falling out of use in the “[[new normal]]”''): An ''actual'' fire drill: the Friday afternoon clarion call over the Tannoys that declares all is well with the world — even the building’s fire alarms are working — and it is time for yon wildebeest to start their slow stampede for the exits. | 2. '''Office [[ennui]]''' (''archaic, falling out of use in the “[[new normal]]”''): An ''actual'' fire drill: the Friday afternoon clarion call over the Tannoys that declares all is well with the world — even the building’s fire alarms are working — and it is time for yon wildebeest to start their slow stampede for the exits. | ||
Fire drills of this kind are a fun interruption to an [[all-hands conference call]] — especially one that is getting a bit tasty — as they function like a cold shower where everyone has to pause, fuming, for about four minutes while Patricia Hodge goes through her pre-recorded motions; intoning first that this ''is'' a drill, and you should all ignore what is about to happen and get on with your work; then that this ''isn’t'' a drill — the building is on fire, you must immediately leave without using the elevator or collecting your belongings; and then a reminder that what just happened ''was'' a drill, you were right to ignore it, but it is ''stopping'' being a drill now, so from now on you ''do'' have to pay attention, until the next time you are told don’t have to. | Fire drills of this kind are a fun interruption to an [[all-hands conference call]] — especially one that is getting a bit tasty — as they function like a cold shower where everyone has to pause, fuming, for about four minutes while Patricia Hodge goes through her pre-recorded motions; intoning first that this ''is'' a drill, and you should all ignore what is about to happen and get on with your work; then that this ''isn’t'' a drill — the building is on fire, you must immediately leave without using the elevator or collecting your belongings; and then a reminder that what just happened ''was'' a drill, you were right to ignore it, but it is ''stopping'' being a drill now, so from now on you ''do'' have to pay attention, until the next time you are told don’t have to. Then the unhappy, passive-aggressive accord of the conference call can resume, and all that dissipated enmity can begin to build up again. | ||
There is a story, passed now into folklore, that an [[In-house lawyer|in-house legal eagle]] at JPM and her favourite lawyer at [[Linklaters]] would frequently have conversations so long that they would span both the JPMorgan fire drill, at | There is a story, passed now into folklore, that an [[In-house lawyer|in-house legal eagle]] at JPM and her favourite lawyer at [[Linklaters]] would frequently have conversations so discursive, wide-ranging and long that they would span both the JPMorgan fire drill, at 10:30 in the morning, and the Linklaters one, at four in the afternoon. | ||
In any case, this kind of [[fire drill]] is, of course, usually followed by a [[fire drill]] in the first sense, meaning that despite all indications to the contrary your weekend is wrecked after all, and almost certainly on account of a damp squib. | In any case, this kind of [[fire drill]] is, of course, usually followed by a [[fire drill]] in the first sense, meaning that despite all indications to the contrary your weekend is wrecked after all, and almost certainly on account of a damp squib. | ||
Once a in a blue moon someone actually pushes the fire alarm button — or | Once a in a blue moon someone actually pushes the fire alarm button — or someone burning toast in the kitchen sets off the smoke alarm — and the whole building has to go through the motions of evacuating for real, with ceremonial fire wardens scuttling around behind them, searching up-turned paper recycling bins and janitorial cupboards for dawdlers who “might not have heard” the klaxon. | ||
The post-[[Covid]] [[new normal]], where getting employees to work at all is a job, and coaxing them into the office nigh impossible, presents a quandary: what happens to home workers during a real-life fire alarm? How are they supposed to know there is a fire drill? What are they supposed to do? Should they go and stand outside at a make-shift assembly point under the clothes line? Should someone put on a high-vis jacket and march round the loft inspecting it for errant children? | |||
[[Eheu]]. | [[Eheu]]. |