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It will start with clear and present danger (albeit apprehended through the foggy beer goggles of war, confusion and miscommunication from panicked people in [[operations|ops]]); it will gradually suck in more and more people across the organisation ([[legal]], [[litigation]], [[compliance]], [[senior relationship management]]) to a point where: | It will start with clear and present danger (albeit apprehended through the foggy beer goggles of war, confusion and miscommunication from panicked people in [[operations|ops]]); it will gradually suck in more and more people across the organisation ([[legal]], [[litigation]], [[compliance]], [[senior relationship management]]) to a point where: | ||
:(a) it becomes ''so'' large that the combined mass of important people involved creates a [[Schwarzschild radius]] and it collapses in on itself (the “'''bang'''” scenario) or | :(a) it becomes ''so'' large that the combined mass of important people involved creates a [[Schwarzschild radius]] and it collapses in on itself (the “'''bang'''” scenario) or | ||
:(b) it becomes ''so'' dispersed, and its [[entropy]] ''so'' great, that it fizzles out | :(b) as it becomes clear that none of the patiently-negotiated legal terms has any prospect of influencing the commercial imperative (viz., to [[Percy, who’s Queen?|keep the client happy and do what it wants no matter what]]), the crisis becomes ''so'' dispersed, and its [[entropy]] ''so'' great, that it fizzles out into a kind of [[boredom heat death]] of concatenated side letters and non-binding mutual assurances of [[good faith]] (the “'''whimper'''” scenario). | ||
As in so many avenues of modern life — well, mine, anyway — whimpers outnumber bangs by a proportion large enough to make a “whimper” all but certain, but yet not ''quite'' certain enough that the risk of a “bang” can safely be ignored from the get-go. | As in so many avenues of modern life — well, mine, anyway — whimpers outnumber bangs by a proportion large enough to make a “whimper” all but certain, but yet not ''quite'' certain enough that the risk of a “bang” can safely be ignored from the get-go. | ||
Even though — nay, ''because'' — they threaten our very existence, bangs are far more fun than whimpers, | Even though — nay, ''because'' — they threaten our very existence, bangs are far more fun than whimpers, and dealing with them is fully life-affirming — unless, deep down, you know they are really just jumped-up little whimpers masquerading as bangs. Which, by immutable rotation of the heavenly dials, they will be. | ||
So, inevitably you must go through the motions for naught, and the upshot — regular fire drills — is a feature of commercial life. | |||
Those like the JC who were young parents at the millennium, who thus have every scene from ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' burned into their brains, know a “bang-disguised-whimper” as a “[[2319]]”. | |||
2. '''Office [[ennui]]''' (''archaic, falling out of use in the “[[new normal]]”''): An ''actual'' fire drill: the Friday afternoon clarion call over the Tannoys that declares all is well with the world — even the building’s fire alarms are working — and it is time to start the slow stampede for the exits. | |||
Real fire drills are a fun interruption to an [[all-hands conference call]] that is getting a bit tasty, as they function like a cold shower. Everyone has to pause, fuming, for about four minutes while Patricia Hodge goes through her pre-recorded motions; intoning first that this ''is'' just a drill: everyone should ignore it and get on with their work; then that this ''isn’t'' just a drill: the building is on fire, you must leave at once without using the lift or collecting your belongings; and then a reminder that what just happened ''was'' a drill, you were right to ignore it, but it is ''stopping'' being a drill now, so from now on you ''do'' have to pay attention, until the next time you are told don’t have to. | |||
Only then can the unhappy, passive-aggressive accord of the conference call resume, and all that dissipated enmity can begin to build up again. | |||
There is a story, passed now into folklore, that an [[In-house lawyer|in-house legal eagle]] at JPM and her favourite lawyer at [[Linklaters]] would frequently have conversations so discursive, wide-ranging and long that they would span both the JPMorgan fire drill, at 10:30 in the morning, and the Linklaters one, at four in the afternoon. | There is a story, passed now into folklore, that an [[In-house lawyer|in-house legal eagle]] at JPM and her favourite lawyer at [[Linklaters]] would frequently have conversations so discursive, wide-ranging and long that they would span both the JPMorgan fire drill, at 10:30 in the morning, and the Linklaters one, at four in the afternoon. | ||
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In any case, this kind of fire drill is, of course, usually followed by a fire drill in the first sense, meaning that despite all indications to the contrary your weekend is wrecked after all, and almost certainly on account of a damp squib. | In any case, this kind of fire drill is, of course, usually followed by a fire drill in the first sense, meaning that despite all indications to the contrary your weekend is wrecked after all, and almost certainly on account of a damp squib. | ||
Once a in a blue moon someone | ===== Practice evacuations ===== | ||
Once a in a blue moon someone breaks glass, or burning toast in the kitchen sets off the smoke alarm — and the whole building has to go through the motions of evacuating for real, with ceremonial fire wardens in dayglo jerkins scuttling around behind them, searching up-turned paper recycling bins and janitorial cupboards for dawdlers who “might not have heard” the warning. | |||
Though here the post-[[Covid]] [[new normal]] — where getting employees to work at all is a job, and coaxing them into the office nigh impossible — presents a quandary. What happens to home workers? How are they supposed to know? What are they supposed to do? Should they go and stand outside by the clothesline at a make-shift assembly point? Should they put on a high-vis jacket and march round the loft inspecting it for errant children? | |||
[[Eheu]]. | [[Eheu]]. |