82,891
edits
Recursion (Book): Difference between revisions
no edit summary
Amwelladmin (talk | contribs) No edit summary |
Amwelladmin (talk | contribs) No edit summary |
||
| Line 30: | Line 30: | ||
| The surrounding skyscrapers of the Upper West Side look mystical in their luminous shrouds of fog. The noise of the city is loud and close—car horns ricocheting between the buildings and distant ambulances racing toward some other tragedy. The pinnacle of the Poe Building is less than fifty feet above—a crown of glass and steel and gothic masonry.|| The city shrieks: horns ricochet and sirens wail towards some distant tragedy. The Upper West Side skyscrapers of loom mystically from their luminous shrouds of fog. The Poe Building’s glass and steel pinnacle towers above them. || I get it: trying to create a gothic mood and trying to stretch our literary wings here, but you need to do better, Blake. More active verbs, more agency, more presence. For God’s sake don’t be so lazy as to contrive a gothic image by using the adjective “gothic” (especially when you’ve already told us the building is Art Deco!) | | The surrounding skyscrapers of the Upper West Side look mystical in their luminous shrouds of fog. The noise of the city is loud and close—car horns ricocheting between the buildings and distant ambulances racing toward some other tragedy. The pinnacle of the Poe Building is less than fifty feet above—a crown of glass and steel and gothic masonry.|| The city shrieks: horns ricochet and sirens wail towards some distant tragedy. The Upper West Side skyscrapers of loom mystically from their luminous shrouds of fog. The Poe Building’s glass and steel pinnacle towers above them. || I get it: trying to create a gothic mood and trying to stretch our literary wings here, but you need to do better, Blake. More active verbs, more agency, more presence. For God’s sake don’t be so lazy as to contrive a gothic image by using the adjective “gothic” (especially when you’ve already told us the building is Art Deco!) | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
| The woman sits fifteen feet away beside an eroding gargoyle, her back to Barry, her legs dangling over the edge. He inches closer, the wet flagstones soaking through his socks. If he can get close enough without detection, he’ll drag her off the edge before she knows what— || She sits fifteen feet away, beside a gargoyle, her legs dangling over the edge. | | rowspan= 2 |The woman sits fifteen feet away beside an eroding gargoyle, her back to Barry, her legs dangling over the edge. He inches closer, the wet flagstones soaking through his socks. If he can get close enough without detection, he’ll drag her off the edge before she knows what— || She sits fifteen feet away, beside a gargoyle, her legs dangling over the edge. || rowspan="2"| “She” works better than “a woman”, because it makes you wonder ''who''. If her legs are over the edge, she must have her back to Barry. Again, the fixation with footwear. The reader knows what’s going on. Give us credit for not spooning it out. What she does and what he does should be different paragraphs. Break it out. Punctuate. | ||
{{aligntop}} | |||
| He inches closer. If he can just get close enough to her before she — | |||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
| “I smell your cologne,” she says without looking back. || “I can smell your cologne,” she says. She does not look back.|| Just tighten up a bit. | | “I smell your cologne,” she says without looking back. || “I can smell your cologne,” she says. She does not look back.|| Just tighten up a bit. | ||