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===[[LinkedIn job descriptions]]===
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A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''.
|'''''Title'''''
{{Tabletop}}  
|'''''What it means'''''
|'''Title'''  
{{aligntop}}
|'''What it means'''  
|colspan="2"|'''Section A: Bullshit artists'''
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Thought leader]]''
|''[[Thought leader]]''
|Twat.  
|Git.  
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Digital prophet''
|''[[Digital prophet]]''
|[[Thought leader]].  
|[[Thought leader]].  
|-  
{{aligntop}}
|''Web developer ''
|''Keynote speaker''
|Invented the Internet.  
|[[Thought leader]].
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] [[specialist]]''
|''Lateral Thinker''
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|Unable to follow a sustained argument or complex syllogism. Prone to random outbursts.
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Futurist''
|Dullard and liar (unless ''literally'' a clairvoyant, in which case this is market standard puffery)
{{aligntop}}
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|Either ''actually'' a GPT4 [[chatbot]], or possessor of a job description written by one.
{{aligntop}}
|''Speaker · Author · Mentor · Catalyst · Facilitator · Rebel ''
|The [[thought leader]]’s [[thought leader]]
{{aligntop}}
| ''Futurist · Visionary Consultant · Quantitative Futurism · Authentic Innovation · Be the Architect of Your Future''
| God knows, but imagine getting stuck in a lift with this guy. Then again, [[Spartan if|if]] he is as good as his word, this is not likely to happen since being a futurist he should have anticipated it. So, come to think of it, an ''excellent'' guy to get into a lift with.
{{aligntop}}
|''Award-winning Executive Leader Focused on Streamlining Processes, Driving Revenues, And Leading High-Performing Teams. Currently open to job opportunities at vice president level. (He/Him)''
|Reads a page of the dictionary before his tai chi and ice bath at dawn each day. Apparently hasn’t made it to “[[cognitive dissonance]]” yet.
{{aligntop}}
|''Real Estate Broker who Specialises in Making the Impossible Possible''
| Liar and fantasist. Hopefully not also an architect or building engineer.
{{aligntop}}
| ''Leading the Digital Transformation of Economy''
| Possibly the Prime Minister? Not even ''The'' Economy? Alternatively, works for an airline, figuring out whether passengers in coach can [[WFH]].
{{aligntop}}
|colspan="2"|'''Section B: Lifers from personnel'''
{{aligntop}}
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|In [[personnel]].
{{aligntop}}
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|In [[personnel]]. Caucasian, affluent, male, can spot a bandwagon at 200 yards, is adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and spends most of day tweeting shameless corporate speak.
{{aligntop}}
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.  
{{aligntop}}
|colspan="2"|'''Section C: The temporarily employed, unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed'''
{{aligntop}}
|''Executive coach''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find work contracting.
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
|Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn’t realised it yet.
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Entrepreneur]]''
|''[[Entrepreneur]]''
|Used to be a [[managing director]] in [[sales]], until the bottom of the barrel [[whacked]] her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
|Used to be a [[managing director]] in [[sales]], until the bottom of the barrel [[whacked]] her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Serial entrepreneur]]''
|''[[Serial entrepreneur]]''
|Unemployable fantasist.
|Unemployable fantasist.
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Angel investor ''
|''Angel investor''
|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Founder and CEO]]... ''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.
|-
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
|-
|''Executive coach ''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find contracting work.
|-
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
|Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn't realised it yet.
|-
|''Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management''
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
|-
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...''
|Possessed of admirable candour but no common sense at all. A weak gazelle.
|-
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.  
|Recently made redundant from an [[operation]]s role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.  
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Founder and CEO]]''
|Recently laid off from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.
{{aligntop}}
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[legaltech entrepreneur|legaltech start-up]].
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Results-driven]] executive with [[proven track record]] of success in programme management''
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
{{aligntop}}
|''Experienced senior operations director with [[proven track record]]''
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.” #OpenToWork
{{aligntop}}
|''#OpenToWork [[and/or]] [Desperately] seeking new opportunities in ...''
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work.
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Workstream lead]]''
| {{workstream lead capsule}}
{{aligntop}}
|colspan="2"|'''Section D: Miscellaneous'''
{{aligntop}}
|''Web developer ''
|Invented the Internet.
{{aligntop}}
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] specialist''
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
{{aligntop}}
|''Social media advisor''
|''Social media advisor''
|(1) obsessed with twitter / instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. <br>(2) (Ergo) A twat.  
|(1) obsessed with twitter/instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. <br>(2) (Ergo) git.  
|-
{{aligntop}}
|'' Best-selling author of... ''  
|'' Best-selling author of... ''  
|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your<ref>I mean '' my'' life.</ref> life<ref>It won't (either of them). </ref> please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]] '')
|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'')
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|''[[Passionate]] about supporting and developing people in a way that is meaningful for them. Available immediately.''
|In [[personnel]].  
| What. Just what. At a guess, underwear salesperson or photo lab assistant. Glass half-full type, anyways.
|-
{{aligntop}}
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|''Facilitator, soul coach & channel at awakening lawyers''
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking and adept at posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]]
| Laxative? Clairvoyant? Alarm Clock? Guessing here.
|-
{{Aligntop}}
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
| ''NFT missionary • Demystifying Web3 and guiding founders on their journey • GameFi • Meta • DeFi Educator • changing the world''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “Thought leader”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.  
| Dropped on head, or deprived of oxygen at birth, but has more than made up for it and is presently wasting perfectly good lung fulls of the stuff. Mouth breather.
|-
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''  
|Got laid off from a service-line role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]].
|-
|''Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record''
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.”
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