82,892
edits
The Magicians (Book): Difference between revisions
no edit summary
Amwelladmin (talk | contribs) No edit summary |
Amwelladmin (talk | contribs) No edit summary |
||
| Line 4: | Line 4: | ||
! style: width="33%"|Original !! style: width="33%"|Rewrite !! style: width="33%"|Comment | ! style: width="33%"|Original !! style: width="33%"|Rewrite !! style: width="33%"|Comment | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
| Quentin did a magic trick. Nobody noticed. || | | Quentin did a magic trick. Nobody noticed. || They didn’t notice his magic trick.|| The original has two statements which you just have to take. The second draws you in: who didn’t notice? Whose trick? ''What'' trick? | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|They picked their way along the cold, uneven sidewalk together: James, Julia, and Quentin. James and Julia held hands. That’s how things were now. The sidewalk wasn’t quite wide enough, so Quentin trailed after them, like a sulky child. He would rather have been alone with Julia, or just alone period, but you couldn’t have everything. Or at least the available evidence pointed overwhelmingly to that conclusion. || | |They picked their way along the cold, uneven sidewalk together: James, Julia, and Quentin. James and Julia held hands. That’s how things were now. The sidewalk wasn’t quite wide enough, so Quentin trailed after them, like a sulky child. He would rather have been alone with Julia, or just alone period, but you couldn’t have everything. Or at least the available evidence pointed overwhelmingly to that conclusion. || They just kept holding hands and picked their way along the narrow sidewalk. He skulked along behind them. | ||
So, that’s how it was now | So, that’s how it was now, was it? <br> | ||
| Wasteful with words. The | Quentin would rather have been alone with Julia, or just ''alone'', but by now he was used to not getting his own way. | ||
| Wasteful with words. The punchline about the “overwhelming evidence” is weak. | |||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|“Okay!” James said over his shoulder. “Q. Let’s talk strategy.” James seemed to have a sixth sense for when Quentin was starting to feel sorry for himself | |“Okay!” James said over his shoulder. “Q. Let’s talk strategy.” James seemed to have a sixth sense for when Quentin was starting to feel sorry for himself. || James caught the vibe. “Okay, Q: let’s go over it one more time.” || Quentin isn’t ''starting'' to feel sorry for himself. He’s well and truly miserable already. | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|James was right after him.|| || | |Quentin’s interview was in seven minutes. James was right after him.|| His interview was in seven minutes. James’ was next.|| | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|“Nice firm handshake. Lots of eye contact. Then when he’s feeling comfortable, you hit him with a chair and I’ll break his password and e-mail Princeton.” || || | |“Nice firm handshake. Lots of eye contact. Then when he’s feeling comfortable, you hit him with a chair and I’ll break his password and e-mail Princeton.” ||“Firm handshake. Solid eye contact. Once he’s comfortable, you hit him with a chair. I come in, break his password and we e-mail Princeton. Simple.” || Not sure where this is going but okay. | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|“Just be yourself, Q,” Julia said.|| || | |“Just be yourself, Q,” Julia said.|| Julia rolled her eyes. “Just be yourself, Q. You’ll be fine.” || | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|Her dark hair was pulled back in a wavy bunch. Somehow it made it worse that she was always so nice to him.|| || | |Her dark hair was pulled back in a wavy bunch. Somehow it made it worse that she was always so nice to him.|| She wore her dark hair pulled back in a bunch. That she was so nice to him just made it worse.|| | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|“How is that different from what I said?” || || | |“How is that different from what I said?” || || kill this. Not funny. | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|Quentin did the magic trick again. It was a very small trick, a basic one-handed sleight with a nickel. He did it in his coat pocket where nobody could see. He did it again; then he did it backward. || || | |Quentin did the magic trick again. It was a very small trick, a basic one-handed sleight with a nickel. He did it in his coat pocket where nobody could see. He did it again; then he did it backward. ||Quentin did the trick again: a basic one-handed sleight with a nickel. But he did it in his pocket, so nobody could see. He did a third time, then he did it backwards. || What is going on here? what good is a trick you do in your pocket that no one can see? | ||
{{aligntop}} | {{aligntop}} | ||
|“I have one guess for his password,” James said. “Password.” || || | |“I have one guess for his password,” James said. “Password.” || || | ||