Awards

Awards of any kind are a dignity-shredding affair, even when your auditors can count envelopes, but just what is going through the mind of an investment banker, recruitment consultant, lawyer or compliance professional who allows himself to hold, be nominated for, win, modestly disclose on LinkedIn, or congratulate anyone else who should so modestly disclose, an “industry award” is hard to fathom.

These awards have long been doled out at gala events convened by tedious industry magazines to reward persistent advertisers, namely credulous businesses who can’t get much else out of the spend (does anyone actually read Carbon Trading Magazine? Why?)

But here at least sheepishly returning to your desk with a stonking hangover and an embarrassing plastic figurine is the price of a free night out on the razzle with your buddies — but latterly these austere publications have been joined by obscure “networking platforms” and hitherto unheard-of “trade associations” in declaring arbitrary, meaningless and frankly outrageous awards to individuals whom you would think the simple pleasure of excelling at their calling, or failing that, being richly paid for it, ought to be reward enough.

Yet still there seem to be some insecurities that only a gong for “Environmental Finance Personality of the Year” (it may beggar belief, but there really is such a thing); “Business Development Professional of the Year” (there are hundreds of these) or “In-house Litigation Department of the year” (what does it say about an organization that lionises its own in-house litigation team?) can redress.

O! To have existential doubts that can be so easily quashed! If an award, “judged” anonymously, without reference to published criteria, from amongst nominees whose main merit appears to be employment by a prolific advertiser of the sponsor’s product — if a personal tribute as feeble as that can assuage your deep insecurities — if that is all it takes to put you back on your keel — your psychological health is rude indeed.