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-{{a|plainenglish|<youtube>https://youtu.be/uO569fBzUO8</youtube>}}
+{{a|plainenglish|<youtube>https://youtu.be/uO569fBzUO8</youtube>}}Sublime comic genius from the [[JC]]’s first comedy heroes, ''Not The Nine O’Clock News.{{quote|
+DEFENCE: And at what did you leave the hospital Mrs Pinterman?<br>
-{{quote|
+WITNESS: About 10.30.<br>
-BARRISTER: Why, even her very identity is in doubt. [[Mrs. Pinterman]], have you or have you not in the past gone under an alleyarse? <br>
+DEFENCE: Thank you Mrs Pinterman.
+PROSECUTION: Mrs Pinterman, I’d like to ask you a few ''qu’estion''<ref>Pronounced as if it were French.</ref> I believe you told us yesterday that after leaving the hospital on the night in ''qu’estion'', you went straight home.<br>
+WITNESS: Yes.<br>
+PROSECUTION: Did anyone see you entering your house?<br>
+WITNESS: No.<br>
+PROSECUTION: M’Lud, there is one thing very vital lacking from Mrs Pinterman’s account so far, and that is the ''aleebee''. The ''aleebee'' is the crucial matter in this case. The ''aleebee'' is what we’re looking for; so where is the ''aleebee''? <br>
+DEFENCE: ''What'' is the “aleebee”?<br>
+JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Davis: perhaps you’d like to explain to the court the precise meaning of this word?<br>
+PROSECUTION: The ''aleebee'', M’Lud, is defined as being a plea that when an act took place, one was elsewhere.<br>
+DEFENCE: ''Oh''! Oh, an alibi.<br>
+JUDGE: Is that what you mean, Mr. Davis?<br>
+PROSECUTION: M’Lud, are we going to let phonetic discrepancies deter us from the facts? The facts are, no one saw Mrs Pinterman entering her house, and ultimately, she has no ''aleebee''. <br>
+DEFENCE: She has no “''alibi''”.<br>
+PROSECUTION: Ah, even my learned counsel for the defence admits it. His ''cleent'' is ''gwilty''. <br>
+DEFENCE: What are you talking about? <br>
+PROSECUTION: ''Gwilt''! ''Gwilt''! Why, even her very identity is in doubt. [[Mrs. Pinterman]], have you or have you not in the past gone under an ''alleyarse''? <br>
 WITNESS: What?  <br>
-BARRISTER: Have you used an alleyarse? M’Lud, the kestion is crucial.  <br> <br>
+PROSECUTION: Have you used an ''alleyarse''? M’Lud, the ''qu’estion'' is crucial.  <br>
-JUDGE: But we don't understand the question, Mr Davis. What is an “alleyarse”? <br>
+JUDGE: But we don’t understand the question, Mr Davis. What is an “alleyarse”? <br>
-B2: An alleyarse? An alleyarse? I can scarcely believe my ears! It’s a common enough legal term. <br>
+DEFENCE: An ''alleyarse''? An ''alleyarse''? I can scarcely believe my ears! It’s a common enough legal term. <br>
 JUDGE: I’ve never heard of it. <br>
-BARRISTER: I'll refer you to any number of standard reference works: Goldsmith, Armitage & Berlin: ''Teach Yourself Law'', Book 4; The Open University Criminology Course, Part 1; The ''Perry Mason Book for Boys'', 1962. An alleyarse is defined as the assumption of an alternative identity for nefaraious purposes.}}
+PROSECUTION: I’ll refer you to any number of standard reference works: Goldsmith, Armitage & Berlin: ''Teach Yourself Law'', Book 4; The Open University Criminology Course, Part 1; The ''Perry Mason Book for Boys'', 1962. An ''alleyarse'' is defined as the assumption of an alternative identity for nefaraious purposes. <br>
+JUDGE: Nefar''ai''ous purposes?<br>
+PROSECUTION: Precisely, M’Lud. We have heard it ''all egged'' —<br>
+DEFENCE: ''Alleged''.<br>
+PROSECUTION:  ... that this woman visited her ''spose'' — <br>
+DEFENCE: ''Spouse''. <br>
+PROSECUTION: ... on that ''fattle'' night —<br>
+JUDGE: ''Fatal'' night. <br>
+PROSECUTION: ... but I submit she’s little more than a common ''pewblic nweesonce'' — <br>
+WITNESS AND JUDGE: ''Nuisance''! <br>
+PROSECUTION: And her whole ''testimonny'' is little more than a ''tiss-way'' of lies.<br>
+JUDGE: A ''tissue'', a ''tissue''!<br>
+PROSECUTION: Bless you, M’Lud <br>
+PROSECUTION: As the Bard put it: “Hell hath no ''furry'' like a woman ''scrawned''.”<br>
+WITNESS: I Just … I don't understand!<br>
+JUDGE: Quiet! This case has been one of the most difficult and embarrassing of my long career. You are an evil and malicious young trollop who has wilfully committed an evil crime, and yet you have come to this court and, without any consideration, forced this unfortunate young man to behave like a cross between a human vegetable and Ronnie Barker. You are someone who wantonly thrusts herself upon men for sexual fantasy wherever you may find them. Perhaps you'd like to join me for lunch.}}
 {{Sa}}
 *[[Variation margin creates more problems than it solves]]
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