Aleebee
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Towards more picturesque speech™
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Sublime comic genius from the JC’s first comedy heroes, Not The Nine O’Clock News.
DEFENCE: And at what did you leave the hospital Mrs Pinterman?
WITNESS: About 10.30.
DEFENCE: Thank you Mrs Pinterman. PROSECUTION: Mrs Pinterman, I’d like to ask you a few qu’estion[1] I believe you told us yesterday that after leaving the hospital on the night in qu’estion, you went straight home.
WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: Did anyone see you entering your house?
WITNESS: No.
PROSECUTION: M’Lud, there is one thing very vital lacking from Mrs Pinterman’s account so far, and that is the aleebee. The aleebee is the crucial matter in this case. The aleebee is what we’re looking for; so where is the aleebee?
DEFENCE: What is the “aleebee”?
JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Davis: perhaps you’d like to explain to the court the precise meaning of this word?
PROSECUTION: The aleebee, M’Lud, is defined as being a plea that when an act took place, one was elsewhere.
DEFENCE: Oh! Oh, an alibi.
JUDGE: Is that what you mean, Mr. Davis?
PROSECUTION: M’Lud, are we going to let phonetic discrepancies deter us from the facts? The facts are, no one saw Mrs Pinterman entering her house, and ultimately, she has no aleebee.
DEFENCE: She has no “alibi”.
PROSECUTION: Ah, even my learned counsel for the defence admits it. His cleent is gwilty.
DEFENCE: What are you talking about?
PROSECUTION: Gwilt! Gwilt! Why, even her very identity is in doubt. Mrs. Pinterman, have you or have you not in the past gone under an alleyarse?
WITNESS: What?
PROSECUTION: Have you used an alleyarse? M’Lud, the qu’estion is crucial.
JUDGE: But we don’t understand the question, Mr Davis. What is an “alleyarse”?
DEFENCE: An alleyarse? An alleyarse? I can scarcely believe my ears! It’s a common enough legal term.
JUDGE: I’ve never heard of it.
PROSECUTION: I’ll refer you to any number of standard reference works: Goldsmith, Armitage & Berlin: Teach Yourself Law, Book 4; The Open University Criminology Course, Part 1; The Perry Mason Book for Boys, 1962. An alleyarse is defined as the assumption of an alternative identity for nefaraious purposes.
JUDGE: Nefaraious purposes?
PROSECUTION: Precisely, M’Lud. We have heard it all egged —
DEFENCE: Alleged.
PROSECUTION: ... that this woman visited her spose —
DEFENCE: Spouse.
PROSECUTION: ... on that fattle night —
JUDGE: Fatal night.
PROSECUTION: ... but I submit she’s little more than a common pewblic nweesonce —
WITNESS AND JUDGE: Nuisance!
PROSECUTION: And her whole testimonny is little more than a tiss-way of lies.
JUDGE: A tissue, a tissue!
PROSECUTION: Bless you, M’Lud
PROSECUTION: As the Bard put it: “Hell hath no furry like a woman scrawned.”
WITNESS: I Just … I don't understand!
JUDGE: Quiet! This case has been one of the most difficult and embarrassing of my long career. You are an evil and malicious young trollop who has wilfully committed an evil crime, and yet you have come to this court and, without any consideration, forced this unfortunate young man to behave like a cross between a human vegetable and Ronnie Barker. You are someone who wantonly thrusts herself upon men for sexual fantasy wherever you may find them. Perhaps you'd like to join me for lunch.
See also
- ↑ Pronounced as if it were French.