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A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''. | A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''. | ||
{{Tabletop}} | {{Tabletop}} | ||
|'''Title''' | |<big>'''Title''' </big> | ||
|'''What it means''' | |<big>'''What it means''' </big> | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''Web developer '' | |''Web developer '' | ||
|Invented the Internet. | |Invented the Internet. | ||
|- | |||
|'''Bullshit artists''' | |||
|- | |- | ||
|''[[Thought leader]]'' | |''[[Thought leader]]'' | ||
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|''Futurist'' | |''Futurist'' | ||
|Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery) | |Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery) | ||
|- | |||
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market'' | |||
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat. | |||
|- | |||
|'''Lifers from personnel''' | |||
|- | |||
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]'' | |||
|In [[personnel]]. | |||
|- | |||
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]'' | |||
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]]. | |||
|- | |||
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]'' | |||
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''. | |||
|- | |||
|'''The unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed''' | |||
|- | |- | ||
|''[[Intrapreneur]]'' | |''[[Intrapreneur]]'' | ||
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|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role. | |Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role. | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''[[Founder and CEO]] | |''Experienced [[financial services professional]]'' | ||
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet. | |||
|- | |||
|''Board-level legal advisor'' | |||
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom. | |||
|- | |||
|''[[Founder and CEO]]'' | |||
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting. | |Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting. | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''Executive coach '' | |''Executive coach'' | ||
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find contracting | |Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find work contracting. | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme | |''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.'' | ||
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]]. | |||
|- | |||
|''Goals-driven executive with [[proven track record]] of success in programme management'' | |||
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing. | |Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing. | ||
|- | |- | ||
|'' | |''Experienced senior operations director with [[proven track record]]'' | ||
| | |Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.” | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...'' | |''Seeking new opportunities in ...'' | ||
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work | |Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work. | ||
|- | |- | ||
|'' | |'''Miscellaneous''' | ||
|- | |- | ||
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] | |''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] specialist'' | ||
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow. | |School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow. | ||
|- | |- | ||
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|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'') | |Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'') | ||
|- | |- | ||
{{tablebottom}} | {{tablebottom}} |