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A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''.  
A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''.  
{{Tabletop}}  
{{Tabletop}}  
|'''Title'''  
|<big>'''Title''' </big>
|'''What it means'''  
|<big>'''What it means''' </big>
|-
|-
|''Web developer ''
|''Web developer ''
|Invented the Internet.  
|Invented the Internet.  
|-
|'''Bullshit artists'''
|-
|-
|''[[Thought leader]]''
|''[[Thought leader]]''
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|''Futurist''  
|''Futurist''  
|Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
|Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
|-
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
|-
|'''Lifers from personnel'''
|-
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|In [[personnel]].
|-
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]].
|-
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.
|-
|'''The unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed'''
|-
|-
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
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|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|-  
|-  
|''[[Founder and CEO]]... ''
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
|-
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|-
|''[[Founder and CEO]]''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.  
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.  
|-  
|-  
|''Executive coach ''
|''Executive coach''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find contracting work.  
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find work contracting.  
|-  
|-  
|''Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management''
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]].
|-
|''Goals-driven executive with [[proven track record]] of success in programme management''
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
|-
|-
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|''Experienced senior operations director with [[proven track record]]''
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.”
|-
|-
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...''
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...''
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work.
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work.
|-
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.  
|-
|-
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|'''Miscellaneous'''
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|-
|-
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] [[specialist]]''
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] specialist''
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|-
|-
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|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'')
|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'')
|-
|-
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|In [[personnel]].
|-
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]].
|-
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.
|-
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]].
|-
|''Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record''
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.”
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