Horcrux: Difference between revisions
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{{a|myth|[[File:Ironmountain1.jpg|thumb|center|450px|A well-armed [[credit officer]] yesterday.<ref>Actually this may be an actual [[undead]] [[Lehman]] employee.</ref>]]}} | {{a|myth|[[File:Ironmountain1.jpg|thumb|center|450px|A well-armed [[credit officer]] yesterday.<ref>Actually this may be an actual [[undead]] [[Lehman]] employee.</ref>]]}}{{def|horcurx||n|}} | ||
An object in which a warlock, wizard or witch has hidden a fragment of his or her soul in order to later attain immortality. Horcruxes can only be created after committing a supreme act of evil — corporate [[insolvency]], forgetting to [[Registration of charges|register]] a [[charge]], splitting an infinitive — that kind of thing. Therefore lots were generated in the wake of the [[global financial crisis]], and to this day practitioners of [[dark arts]] (eg [[credit officer]]s) may still invoke them to ward off over-enthusiastic [[sales]]people. | |||
===Horcruxes in current circulation=== | |||
The most famous Horcrux takes the form of an [[Iron Mountain]] box stuffed with personal effects and deal bibles. It is the “[[Lehman]]”. Since it first emerged in late 2008, the [[Lehman]] has been an ever-present weapon in the armoury of those devilish advocates, [[Buy-side legal eagle|buy-side legal eagles]]. These men and women are all of [[Slytherin]]:<ref>Or, at a pinch, the darker recesses of [[Ravenclaw]]: at any rate, there are no [[Hufflepuff]]ians or [[Gryffindor]]an alumni in their throng.</ref> they wield their magical spells in the service of the [[Dark Lord of the Swaps]] — yea; [[he who shall not be named]]; the very [[master of the universe]] himself, ''against'' the righteous forces of the [[First Men]], whose heroes one typically finds defending the ramparts of the [[worshipful alliance of broker-dealers|worshipful company of broker-dealers]]. | |||
But then a [[JC|wild-haired prophet]]<ref>Look, a fellow can dream. okay? About having hair, at any rate.</ref> | So, for more than a decade, pandaemonium reigned. The dark armies advanced, all but unchecked. They ransacked the shires and, where they encountered any resistance had only to ''mention'' the [[Lehman]] horcrux to reduce brave defenders to quivering goose-flesh. Sell-side [[Negotiator|negotiators]] were defenceless against such [[deep magic]]. | ||
But then a [[JC|wild-haired prophet]]<ref>Look, a fellow can dream. okay? About having hair, at any rate.</ref> came down from the high mountain and stood\before the townspeople. “[[Children of the Forest]]!” he cried. “''I teach you the Superman!''”<ref>“Humankind should be overcome. What have you done to overcome it? All creatures hitherto have created something beyond themselves: do you want to be the ebb of this great tide, and return to the animals rather than overcome yourself?” — {{author|Friedrich Nietzsche}}, {{br|Also Sprach Zarathustra}}</ref> | |||
“For it is foretold that a new force born of ordinary, mortal, deplorable retail investors, rise out of the swamp to vanquish the [[Dark Lord of the Swaps]]. Just remember, you [[redditor|reddit]] here first!” | “For it is foretold that a new force born of ordinary, mortal, deplorable retail investors, rise out of the swamp to vanquish the [[Dark Lord of the Swaps]]. Just remember, you [[redditor|reddit]] here first!” | ||
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“There they stand,” said he to his heart; “there they laugh: they understand me not; I am not the mouth for these ears.” | “There they stand,” said he to his heart; “there they laugh: they understand me not; I am not the mouth for these ears.” | ||
But | But yea, in the year 2021 it came to pass. Of the low-born retail investors emerged a ''counter-Horcrux'' of great power: at least as powerful as the Lehman. Advancing buy-sider soldiers were stopped in their tracks; bogged down; beaten off. What is this new sorcery? They cried. | ||
“Expecto [[GameStop]]ibus!” shrieked the sell-side fighters. And there, in the sky, a luminous, snorting apparition appeared, and the buyside forces scattered to the four winds. | |||
Revision as of 10:59, 5 February 2021
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horcurx (n.)
An object in which a warlock, wizard or witch has hidden a fragment of his or her soul in order to later attain immortality. Horcruxes can only be created after committing a supreme act of evil — corporate insolvency, forgetting to register a charge, splitting an infinitive — that kind of thing. Therefore lots were generated in the wake of the global financial crisis, and to this day practitioners of dark arts (eg credit officers) may still invoke them to ward off over-enthusiastic salespeople.
Horcruxes in current circulation
The most famous Horcrux takes the form of an Iron Mountain box stuffed with personal effects and deal bibles. It is the “Lehman”. Since it first emerged in late 2008, the Lehman has been an ever-present weapon in the armoury of those devilish advocates, buy-side legal eagles. These men and women are all of Slytherin:[2] they wield their magical spells in the service of the Dark Lord of the Swaps — yea; he who shall not be named; the very master of the universe himself, against the righteous forces of the First Men, whose heroes one typically finds defending the ramparts of the worshipful company of broker-dealers.
So, for more than a decade, pandaemonium reigned. The dark armies advanced, all but unchecked. They ransacked the shires and, where they encountered any resistance had only to mention the Lehman horcrux to reduce brave defenders to quivering goose-flesh. Sell-side negotiators were defenceless against such deep magic.
But then a wild-haired prophet[3] came down from the high mountain and stood\before the townspeople. “Children of the Forest!” he cried. “I teach you the Superman!”[4]
“For it is foretold that a new force born of ordinary, mortal, deplorable retail investors, rise out of the swamp to vanquish the Dark Lord of the Swaps. Just remember, you reddit here first!”
The townsfolk laughed and pelted poor Zarathustra with rotten vegetables.
“There they stand,” said he to his heart; “there they laugh: they understand me not; I am not the mouth for these ears.”
But yea, in the year 2021 it came to pass. Of the low-born retail investors emerged a counter-Horcrux of great power: at least as powerful as the Lehman. Advancing buy-sider soldiers were stopped in their tracks; bogged down; beaten off. What is this new sorcery? They cried.
“Expecto GameStopibus!” shrieked the sell-side fighters. And there, in the sky, a luminous, snorting apparition appeared, and the buyside forces scattered to the four winds.
See also
References
- ↑ Actually this may be an actual undead Lehman employee.
- ↑ Or, at a pinch, the darker recesses of Ravenclaw: at any rate, there are no Hufflepuffians or Gryffindoran alumni in their throng.
- ↑ Look, a fellow can dream. okay? About having hair, at any rate.
- ↑ “Humankind should be overcome. What have you done to overcome it? All creatures hitherto have created something beyond themselves: do you want to be the ebb of this great tide, and return to the animals rather than overcome yourself?” — Friedrich Nietzsche, Also Sprach Zarathustra