Horcrux
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An object in which an evil warlock, wizard or witch has hidden a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining immortality. Horcruxes can only be created after committing the supreme act of evil — corporate insolvency, forgetting to register a charge — that kind of thing. Therefore lots were generated in the wake of the global financial crisis, and to this day practitioners of dark arts (eg credit officers) may still invoke them to ward off over-enthusiastic salespeople.
The most famous Horcrux, which takes the form of an Iron Mountain box stuffed with personal effects and deal bibles, is the “Lehman”. This has been an ever-present weapon in the armoury of those devilish advocates, buy-side legal eagles. These men and women are all of Slytherin and, at a pinch, the darker recesses of Ravenclaw : there are no Hufflepuffians or Gryffindoran alumni in their throng: they wield their magical spells in the service of the Dark Lord of the Swaps — yea; he who shall not be named; the very master of the universe himself, against the righteous forces of or hreroes the First Men, whom one typically finds defending the ramparts of the worshipful company of broker-dealers.
For years, pandaemonium reigned. The dark armies advanced, all but unchecked. They ransacked the shires and, where they encountered any resistance had only to mention the Lehman horcrux to reduce the brace resistance to quivering goose-flesh. Sell-side negotiators were powerless against it. Defenceless.
But then a wild haired prophet[2] cried, “Children of the Forest! I teach you the Superman.”[3]
“For it is foretold that a new force born of ordinary, mortal, deplorable retail investors, rise out of the swamp to vanquish the Dark Lord of the Swaps. Just remember, you reddit here first!”
See also
References
- ↑ Actually this may be an actual undead Lehman employee.
- ↑ Look, a fellow can dream. okay? About having hair.
- ↑ “I teach you the Superman. Humankind should be overcome. What have you done to overcome it? All creatures hitherto have created something beyond themselves: do you want to be the ebb of this great tide, and return to the animals rather than overcome yourself?” — Friedrich Nietzsche, Also Sprach Zarathustra