LinkedIn job descriptions
It is hard in our interconnected modern world to avoid social media. The new owner of Twitter is doing his level best to straighten that platform out, denuding it of fantastists, bullshitters and agitators who have traditionally made it their home, and who would upset the tranquil order of the liberal consensus were they not cast into the wilderness.
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Office anthropology™
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Other platforms are more genteel.
LinkedIn, for example, is traditionally regarded as the most benign environment, where people speak soberly, though not without liberal helpings of passive aggression and a good old virtue signal every now and then, about their bona-fide commercial aspirations, and all are engagerd in the business of propelling Adam Smith’s invisible hand around the Ouija board for the betterment of shareholders, stakeholders, and the general greater good.
This does not stop people engaging in acts of immodesty, aggrandisement and, at the limit, utter fantasy when describing their own impact on the social history of commerce.
A guide to those self-penned LinkedIn profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they mean.
| Title | What it means |
| Section A: Bullshit artists | |
| Thought leader | Git. |
| Digital prophet | Thought leader. |
| Keynote speaker | Thought leader. |
| Lateral Thinker | Unable to follow a sustained argument or complex syllogism. Prone to random outbursts. |
| Futurist | Dullard and liar (unless literally a clairvoyant, in which case this is market standard puffery) |
| Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market | Either actually a GPT4 chatbot, or possessor of a job description written by one. |
| Speaker · Author · Mentor · Catalyst · Facilitator · Rebel | The thought leader’s thought leader |
| Futurist · Visionary Consultant · Quantitative Futurism · Authentic Innovation · Be the Architect of Your Future | God knows, but imagine getting stuck in a lift with this guy. Then again, if he is as good as his word, this is not likely to happen since being a futurist he should have anticipated it. So, come to think of it, an excellent guy to get into a lift with. |
| Award-winning Executive Leader Focused on Streamlining Processes, Driving Revenues, And Leading High-Performing Teams. Currently open to job opportunities at vice president level. (He/Him) | Reads a page of the dictionary before his tai chi and ice bath at dawn each day. Apparently hasn’t made it to “cognitive dissonance” yet. |
| Real Estate Broker who Specialises in Making the Impossible Possible | Liar and fantasist. Hopefully not also an architect or building engineer. |
| Leading the Digital Transformation of Economy | Possibly the Prime Minister? Not even The Economy? Alternatively, works for an airline, figuring out whether passengers in coach can WFH. |
| Section B: Lifers from personnel | |
| Director of talent acquisition | In personnel. |
| Director of diversity and inclusion | In personnel. Caucasian, affluent, male, can spot a bandwagon at 200 yards, is adept at virtue-signalling and spends most of day tweeting shameless corporate speak. |
| Global Head of Client Experience, HR Business Partnering & Leadership, Learning, Talent and Culture, COO | In personnel. See also “Thought leader”. And “COO”, for that matter. |
| Section C: The temporarily employed, unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed | |
| Executive coach | Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find work contracting. |
| Intrapreneur | Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn’t realised it yet. |
| Entrepreneur | Used to be a managing director in sales, until the bottom of the barrel whacked her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right? |
| Serial entrepreneur | Unemployable fantasist. |
| Angel investor | Recently, belatedly, made redundant from an middle management role. |
| Experienced financial services professional | Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet. |
| Board-level legal advisor | Recently laid off from a law firm after a long and defiant career in knowledge management. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom. |
| Founder and CEO | Recently laid off from an operations role. Now contracting. |
| Digital Thought and Program Leader running large end-to-end digital programs across multiple geographies. | Got laid off from a service-line role in operations at Fuji Bank. Now Founder and CEO of a legaltech start-up. |
| Results-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme management | Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing. |
| Experienced senior operations director with proven track record | Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.” #OpenToWork |
| #OpenToWork and/or [Desperately] seeking new opportunities in ... | Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. Never admit you are out of work. |
| Workstream lead | Sounds glamorous; isn’t.
Firstly, “lead”, in this context, means, “a thing you tie a misbehaving dog to” and not “what Moses did to the Children of Israel”. A “workstream lead” is one engaged, as a contractor, to prod unwilling employees along a manifestly pointless “business change” program, whereby outwardly useful staff will be distracted from whatever they are doing and instructed to strip paint off a bucket, so the bucket can be given to another employee to paint properly, so a third one can strip paint from it again. And so on. Requires experience organising all-hands conference calls, walking through action logs and compiling dashboards full of RAG statuses. Until your contract runs out. |
| Section D: Miscellaneous | |
| Web developer | Invented the Internet. |
| Derivatives onboarding specialist | School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow. |
| Social media advisor | (1) obsessed with twitter/instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. (2) (Ergo) git. |
| Best-selling author of... | Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your [I mean my] life. [It won’t. (Either of them).] Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic) |
| Passionate about supporting and developing people in a way that is meaningful for them. Available immediately. | What. Just what. At a guess, underwear salesperson or photo lab assistant. Glass half-full type, anyways. |
| Facilitator, soul coach & channel at awakening lawyers | Laxative? Clairvoyant? Alarm Clock? Guessing here. |
| NFT missionary • Demystifying Web3 and guiding founders on their journey • GameFi • Meta • DeFi Educator • changing the world | Dropped on head, or deprived of oxygen at birth, but has more than made up for it and is presently wasting perfectly good lung fulls of the stuff. Mouth breather. |