Cryptöagle

The “Soaring Legal Eagle Acquisition Crypto Corporation”, as cryptoagle is officially known, will launched by initial token offering. All funds raised (in used, unmarked dollars in brown paper bags please) will be used to mint and then acquire non-fungible tokens — jollycoins — which will be deemed to be an amount equal to an artistic representation of cryptöagle’s shares, which will initially be ordinary shares of a limited liability company.

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cryptöagle is a special purpose acquisition crypto corporation, or “Crypto-SPAC” founded as a division of the Lexrifyly group the JC’s legaltech division that he made up spun off in 2022.

The jollycoins will not confer direct legal ownership, of for that matter any other rights, title or interest, in or to the cryptöagle shares. Recognising that this may seem sub-optimal to less credulous potential investors, once the jollycoins have been minted, to ensure the primacy of the on-chain investment, the C-SPAC promoters have resolved to ceremonially pre-destroy all the legacy offworld shares as a condition precedent to subscription. This will be achieved by the novel legal technique of constructive corporate liquidation: rather than incorporating and then removing cryptöagle from the Companies Register, the C-SPAC promoters propose to not even incorporate the company in the first place, thereby ensuring a total, unhackable air-gap with reality. Thus isolated from any grip earthly logic, jollycoins will have no taint, discolouration or other unpleasant residue of trad-fi, the offworld physical economy or any other reality, personal truth or lived experience. Jollycoins will instead have independent aesthetic existence as virtual artworks, embedded for all time and all purposes, in a blockchain where they can represent, final, pure, abstract, platonic form of crypto-value.

Not referencing anything whatsoever, not backed by anything, neither explained, defended, justified or needed by anyone or anything, they are untethered from the physical universe and can float free to drift towards the moon.

C-CEO Cass Mälstrom said:

“By removing the physical shares from existence and only having the NFT, we can ensure that the NFT, due to the smart contract ability of the blockchain, cannot be altered is the only representation of the share that exists in the offworld. By doing this, the value of the shares will then be moved onto the NFT.”

Branding remix

The C-SPAC has already undergone a bewildering number of branding changes, and it is less than a day old. “Soaring Legal Eagle Acquisition Crypto Corporation” became Crypto-Eagle, then its present iteration Cryptöagle, and there is talk of a further move to “Cryptoegal” — see what we did there? — which by logical extension becomes Cryptögal, which sounds like a Marvel superhero, and therefore, sod it, because we are a rockband, Crÿptögäl