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{{a| | {{a|work|{{image|Consultation|png|''Sorry, Are You Listening To A Word I Am Saying?'' {{vsr|1932}}}}}}{{d|Consultation|/ˌkɒnsəlˈteɪʃən/|n}}To defeat an idea you don’t like by listening to it, nodding sympathetically, maintaining eye contact and then just [[ignoring]] it. | ||
Management “consultation” works — “works” as in “functions”, as opposed to “arrives at the desired outcome” — by harnessing the power of constructively [[ignore|ignoring]]. | Management “consultation” works — “works” as in “functions”, as opposed to “arrives at the desired outcome” — by harnessing the power of constructively [[ignore|ignoring]]. | ||
Management forms a plan, and by way of execution, selects a focus group of [[Subject matter expert|subject matter experts]] hand-picked | Management forms a plan, and by way of execution, selects a focus group of [[Subject matter expert|subject matter experts]] hand-picked from the most compliant and disinterested staff available — staff like that are ''always'' available to populate focus groups — to “workshop” the idea. | ||
Once the workshop phase is completed, management carries on with the original plan, regardless of the outcome of the workshop. | |||
If | If the focus group was well-chosen,<ref>Well-chosen ''to give you the answer you want'', that is.</ref> its feedback — if it has any — will be somewhere between idiotic and sycophantic. So management can ignore it. | ||
If by oversight, the focus group contains those imaginative but incautious enough to tell you how stupid the plan is, you can ignore them too, and make a note to bear them in mind for the next [[redundancy|redundancy round]]. | |||
After all, [[it is not the done thing to call bullshit in a professional setting]]. | |||
In 18 | Of course, this works both ways: however well thought-out your plan is — unlikely, but let’s allow for the moment that it ''is'' “well thought-out” — you can be sure the workforce will ignore it, just as you ignored their feedback on it. | ||
The cattle will just carry on doing what they have always done, how they have always done it, until they are “[[Reduction in force|riffed]]”. | |||
Those remaining ''after'' the [[Reduction in force|RIF]] will adjust their habits so that they can carry on, as nearly as possible, with that they were doing before. This will be disarmingly easy. | |||
Meantime, high in the Gods, an [[opco|Opco]] will present a weekly [[dashboard]] to a steerco, the [[RAG]]s will all be green, the [[steerco|Steerco]] will be happy, the project will be completed, everyone will move on to the next change project — and, magically, nothing will have changed. Those who were doing what they were doing before the consultation can continue doing it, however pointless or counterproductive it was, as if nothing has happened, because nothing ''has'' happened. The management consulting satellite has bounced off the outer atmosphere — not before collecting its fee — and carried on into deep space of new opportunity. | |||
In 18 months’ time, under new management, a ''new'' enquiry will be launched into why this particular business is so inefficient, expensive and unproductive. | |||
20 GOTO 10. | |||
{{sa}} | {{sa}} | ||
*[[ | *[[Subject matter expert]] | ||
*[[Thought leader]] | *[[Thought leader]] | ||
*[[Self-perpetuating autocracy]] | *[[Self-perpetuating autocracy]] | ||
*[[Reduction in force]] | |||
{{ref}} | |||
Latest revision as of 13:55, 21 March 2024
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Office anthropology™
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Consultation
/ˌkɒnsəlˈteɪʃən/ (n.)
To defeat an idea you don’t like by listening to it, nodding sympathetically, maintaining eye contact and then just ignoring it.
Management “consultation” works — “works” as in “functions”, as opposed to “arrives at the desired outcome” — by harnessing the power of constructively ignoring.
Management forms a plan, and by way of execution, selects a focus group of subject matter experts hand-picked from the most compliant and disinterested staff available — staff like that are always available to populate focus groups — to “workshop” the idea.
Once the workshop phase is completed, management carries on with the original plan, regardless of the outcome of the workshop.
If the focus group was well-chosen,[1] its feedback — if it has any — will be somewhere between idiotic and sycophantic. So management can ignore it.
If by oversight, the focus group contains those imaginative but incautious enough to tell you how stupid the plan is, you can ignore them too, and make a note to bear them in mind for the next redundancy round.
After all, it is not the done thing to call bullshit in a professional setting.
Of course, this works both ways: however well thought-out your plan is — unlikely, but let’s allow for the moment that it is “well thought-out” — you can be sure the workforce will ignore it, just as you ignored their feedback on it.
The cattle will just carry on doing what they have always done, how they have always done it, until they are “riffed”.
Those remaining after the RIF will adjust their habits so that they can carry on, as nearly as possible, with that they were doing before. This will be disarmingly easy.
Meantime, high in the Gods, an Opco will present a weekly dashboard to a steerco, the RAGs will all be green, the Steerco will be happy, the project will be completed, everyone will move on to the next change project — and, magically, nothing will have changed. Those who were doing what they were doing before the consultation can continue doing it, however pointless or counterproductive it was, as if nothing has happened, because nothing has happened. The management consulting satellite has bounced off the outer atmosphere — not before collecting its fee — and carried on into deep space of new opportunity.
In 18 months’ time, under new management, a new enquiry will be launched into why this particular business is so inefficient, expensive and unproductive.
20 GOTO 10.
See also
References
- ↑ Well-chosen to give you the answer you want, that is.