LinkedIn Premium

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I got pulled over by a LinkedIn community patrol unit last night. I was on my way home, sober, under the limit, driving fine.

The officer was terse. She peered in the window pointed her flashlight in my face.

I said, “Good Evening, Officer, can I help you? Is anything wrong?”

“Oh, no, Sir. Nothing is wrong. This is just part of our community outreach program. May I see your subscription, sir?”

I handed it over. I went to open the driver’s side door.

“DO NOT GET OUT OF THE CAR, SIR. This is an unmonitored account.”

I stayed put. She looked my licence over. She clicked her tongue. she tutted. “Your reach is weak. Views anaemic.”

I shrugged. “What can I say? Swap satire. It’s niche.”

“Sir, Have you considered upgrading to a premium licence?”

“Well, n—”

“We recommend our subscribers upgrade to a premium licence. To get full value from our service. Protection.”

“Protection? From what, Officer?”

In a fluid motion, she brought her nightstick down sharply on the bonnet. I could hear the tinkle of broken glass.

“Hey!”

“It would be a shame, sir, if your headlamps stopped working. That would further restrict your reach. With our premium subscription, you can be sure that won’t happen. Any more.”

She tossed my subscription back on the seat. “Think on it. When you are ready, hit up the chatbot. Now, you have a good day sir, and mind you get that headlamp fixed.”

See also

• LinkedIn
• LinkedIn job descriptions