Cruwwelpeter

Myths and legends of the market The JC’s guide to the foundational mythology of the markets.™ →Go uptown Poor, stupid Samuel. Index: Click ᐅ to expand: Mythology Tell me more Sign up for our newsletter — or just get in touch: for ½ a weekly 🍺 you get to consult JC. Ask about it here.

An obscure German children’s author, Otto Büchstein wrote Cruwwelpeter, a book of cautionary tales about misbehaviour with Geschäftsanteilsverpfändung, and it has thrown a long, nervous shadow over the practice of banking law ever since. In it, Little Harriet played with duration mismatches and burned herself to death. Little Johnny Head-in-Air forgot to register his Sicherungsdarlehen and was struck off the wharf and floated away, never to be seen again. Fidgety Philip amended his security package and rendered it void for want of consideration. And most gruesomely of all, was the story of Samuel, little Nick-a-Fund, who — well:

One day Mamma said “Samuel dear,
I must go out and leave you here.
But mind now, Samuel, what I say,
Don’t use customer funds while I’m away.
The great tall regulator comes
To little boys who nick client funds;
And ere they dream what he’s about,
He takes his great big baton out,
And bops and carts them off, toute suite —
This is what happens to boys who cheat.”

Mamma had scarcely turned her back,
He’s pocketed the lot: Alack! Alack!
The door flew open, in he ran,
The great, long, red-legged enforcer-man.
Oh! children, see! the bopper’s come
And caught out little Nick-a-Fund.
Snip! Snap! Snip! the scissors go;
And Samuel cries out “Oh! Oh! Oh!”
Snip! Snap! Snip! They go so fast,
Both his wrists are in cuffs so fast!

Mamma comes home: there Sam stands,
And looks quite sad, and shows his hands;
“Ah!” said Mamma, “I knew he’d come
To naughty little Nick-a-Fund.”