Template:Linkedin job descriptions
LinkedIn job descriptions
A guide to those self-penned LinkedIn profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they mean.
| Title | What it means |
| Thought leader | Twat. |
| Digital prophet | Thought leader. |
| Web developer | Invented the Internet. |
| Derivatives onboarding specialist | School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow. |
| Entrepreneur | Used to be a managing director in sales, until the bottom of the barrel whacked me, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right? |
| Serial entrepreneur | Unemployable fantasist. |
| Angel investor | Recently, belatedly, made redundant from an middle management role. |
| Founder and CEO... | Recently made redundant from an operations role. Now contracting. |
| Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market | Dead-set zero idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat. |
| Executive coach | Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find contracting work. |
| Intrapreneur | Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn't realised it yet. |
| Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management | Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing. |
| Seeking new opportunities in ... | Possessed of admirable candour but no common sense at all. A weak gazelle. |
| Experienced financial services professional | Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet. |
| Board-level legal advisor | Recently laid off from a law firm after a long and defiant career in knowledge management. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom. |
| Social media advisor | (1) obsessed with twitter / instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. (2) (Ergo) A twat. |
| Best-selling author of... | Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your[1] life[2] please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic ) |
| Director of talent acquisition | In personnel. |
| Director of diversity and inclusion | In personnel. Cosmopolitan-looking and adept at posting shameless canonical corporate speak on LinkedIn |
| Global Head of Client Experience, HR Business Partnering & Leadership, Learning, Talent and Culture, COO | In personnel. See also “Thought leader”. And “COO”, for that matter. |
| Digital Thought and Program Leader running large end-to-end digital programs across multiple geographies. | Got laid off from a service-line role in operations at Fuji Bank. Now Founder and CEO of a Tech start-up. |
| Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record | Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.” |