Depth charge
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Conference Call Anatomy™
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Continuing our theme of submarine warfare, another rare but, among the cognoscenti highly-prized, technique is the depth charge. Rare because you will only see this when an all-hands conference call has taken a decided turn[1] for the worse, and most experienced conference call convenors can easily avoid that outcome by keeping any matters of controversy or substance off the agenda in the first place. As any fule kno, a conference call is no place to raise anything of moment to which you don't already know the answer.
Anyway, a depth charge: That critical deal approval call has turned into a shit-show. The presenter — a junior on the deal team, hoping unrealistically for promotion — is unprepared, transparently does not understand his deal and, to boot[2], has committed that mortal error of not warming up the controller group who are due to hear his application. Further, the cantankerous guy from Treasury legal got out the wrong side of bed this morning and is of a mood to make an example out of young sir in front of the assembled.
The young fellow proceeds and, in the face of the most innocuous question from compliance limply descends into a chaos of stuttering and patent fabrication, punctuated by awkward pauses, during which a distant voice is picked up an a someone’s microphone — whose, we cannot say[3]. The voice —is quiet, but clear, and sounding as though it has come from a mouth turned from the handset in a tone of surreptition, says, “Man this deal is a piece of shit.”
Sir Jerrold Baxter-Morley, MD of the deal team, wakes up. This is his deal, for his friend in the
“Who said that? WHO SAID THAT!?”
But there is no reply, just another awkward pause. But, by means of something that may have been serendipitous background buzz of trading floor banter the damage is done. Unfortunate cross-chatter or no, the remark has articulated only what every controller was quietly thinking, and it fortifies them in their opposition.
See also
References
- ↑ Which may, but need not be, a hard-left turn at the bottom of the hour.
- ↑ Das Boot, needless to say.
- ↑ This is getting harder to mask in the age of Skype, sadly