Buttocractics
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Office anthropology™
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Buttocractics
ˈbʌtəkrækˈtɪks (n.)
The branch of philosophy that examines the basic structure of self-interest. It is often characterised as “first philosophy”, implying that it is more fundamental to our understanding of the cosmos than other, more superficial forms of philosophical inquiry such as metaphysics or epistemology.
Buttocractics was first eludicated by Greek philospher Arsimedes in his book Buttocraxis (βυτοκρακτική) in which he described an intrinsic and measurable sense of self-interest, which he denoted by the lower case omega (ω)) which is, of course, the ancient theological disposition of being elsewhere when blame is attributed, or “avoiding the apocalypse”.
Arsimedes, from whose name the English word “arse” derives, thence deduced the maxim by which all persons charged with the grave responsibility of middle management live:
Πρώτον, μην βλάπτεις τον εαυτό σου
This was later rendered in Latin by the Roman poet Hypocritus:
Primum non nocere tibi: “First, do no harm to your own career”.
Arsimedes came to worldwide attention after he was featured in the 1991 movie Silence of the Subject Matter Experts:
Lecter: First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Arsimedes. “Of each particular thing ask: What is it in itself? What is its nature?” What does she need, this legal eagle of yours?
Clarice: To innovate!
Lecter: No! That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing a legal eagle does? What needs does she serve by “innovating”?
Clarice: Er ... chatbots? ... document assembly? ... legal reference data? ... MIS... Sir —
Lecter: No! She covers! That is her nature.
Clarice: Covers? Covers what?
Lecter: Arse, Clarice. ARSE!
Clarice: Oh, right.
Lecter: And how do we cover arse, Clarice? Do we seek out arse to cover? Make an effort to answer now.
Clarice: No. We just...
Lecter: We begin by covering the arse we see every day. Our own arse, Clarice. Don’t you see people dissembling daily, to explain why whatever just happened wasn’t their fault? And don’t you make excuses to avoid responsibility for the things you didn’t pay attention to?
Clarice: Just tell me how —
Lecter: No. It is your turn to tell me, Clarice.