Force majeure
An Act of God. These days, contracting folk are sanguine and insert dull generalities (such workmanlike prose as “an event outside a party's control which it could not reasonably have avoided and by dint of which the contract is impossible to perform”), but there was a time — a better, gentler, happier time — in which force majeure was a lawyer’s one chance to really stretch his literary wings. The Jolly Contrarian went quite mad with it:
Neither party will be liable for losses arising from its non-performance due to Acts of God (monotheistic or polytheistic, including actions of prophets, seers, spirits, shamen, demigods and those claiming supernatural powers as a result of illegitimate divine involvement in their procreation); any hurricane, cyclone, tempest, storm, shower, intermittent drizzle or other meteorological phenomenon; the operation or failure to operate when expected of any jet stream, trade wind, doldrum, el Niño, la Niña, Artic Dipole, Atlantic Multidecadal Oscillation or other recognised wind or weather pattern; any deluge, flood, leak, dousing, unreasonable dampness or other unexpected aqueous invasion (whether or not having, or intended by supernatural power to have, remedial or punitive effect); any peril, danger, accident or vicissitude occurring on, in, under, above or courtesy of any ocean, sea, inlet, fjord, estuary, inland lake, lagoon, lido, pond, puddle, river, stream, brook, concourse, storm-water drain, or other body of water having menacing aspect (whether fresh, brackish or saline); any drought, dry spell, aridity, desiccation, chafing or analogous meteorological circumstance provided that it shall have occasioned a hosepipe restriction, mandatory measure for the conservation of water or animated debate on a nationally-recognised medium for the public discussion of current affairs; any eclipse (full or partial), nova, solar flare, electromagnetic pulse, comet, satellite, meteorite, space-borne magnetic anomaly, unidentified flying object, heat ray or other contraption of extra-terrestrial origin having nefarious effect, whether or not recognisably intelligent; any pronounced effect of gravity, any black hole, discontinuity, singularity, warping of space-time or other real or apparent violation of the settled laws of physics, or event requiring their revision or alteration thereto, and whether or not arising as a the intended effect of a successful experiment with a particle beam accelerator, collider, agitator or otherwise; any earthquake, volcano, avalanche, blizzard, snowdrift, snowfall (where not anticipated) lack of snowfall (where anticipated) or material interruption to any seasonal recreational activity; any fire, conflagration, explosion, detonation, rust, reaction or other chemical process analogous to undesired oxidisation; any war (hot or cold), battle (on, above or under the land or sea or occurring otherwise in any frame of reference, geometry or part of the space-time continuum howsoever described, and regardless of howsoever far, far away), siege, invasion, entrenchment, withdrawal, strategic retreat, tactical retreat, surrender, outright capitulation, evacuation (whether or not assisted by civilians) or other flight from conflict; any uprising, riot, looting, organised disobedience or other civil commotion (not including ironic “flash-mob” performances of songs from The Sound of Music and equivalent productions, however tiresome or poorly organised); any unjustified sedition, treason, espionage, political agitation or nefarious action of the Queen’s enemies unanticipated at the time of contract; the unwanted ministrations of any animal, whether naturally domesticated (mansuetae naturae) or wild (ferae naturae), the infestation of any insect, bird, fish, microbe or algal organism; any injury, illness or childhood infection encountered during pretend military fitness training, on an assault course or in a plastic ball pool, Jungle Jim™, Clown Town™ or other children’s play area however dismal, a significant case of sneezing, hiccups, dissentry, flatulence or gout; any obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit d, midlife crisis, paranoia, pedantry, frustration, irritation, cynicism or general scepticism about the state of the modern world and be assured God does know that’s understandable the way things are presently going, any poor judgment with any member of any sex (whether or not opposite and notwithstanding any past, present of future transition between) and any other circumstances beyond its reasonable control which it could not reasonably have avoided and which prevents its reasonable performance of its obligations hereunder.
See
Or you might like Amwell J’s house version:
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