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''See also the [[Northern Ireland portfolio|Secretary of State for Northern Ireland]] in the 1970s.''
{{a|people|{{image|Dead man walking|jpg|The [[head of the documentation unit]] yesterday.}}}}''See also the [[Northern Ireland portfolio|Secretary of State for Northern Ireland]].''


The [[head of the documentation unit]] is an accursed person in an [[investment bank]], although {{sex|he}} is usually the last one to recognise this. This poor sod is responsible for the performance of the sainted men and women who make {{tag|contract}}ual flesh the fantastical aspirations of the [[credit]] department, and one earns this Sisyphean task only to atone for a sin committed in a former life or as an act of spite, vengeance or perverse cruelty from someone else further up the organisation.
The [[head of the documentation unit]] is an accursed person in an [[investment bank]], although {{sex|he}} is usually the last one to recognise this. This poor sod is responsible for the performance of the sainted men and women tasked with making  {{tag|contract}}ual flesh the fantastical aspirations of the [[credit]] department: the {{ISDA}} [[Negotiator]]s.


Running the [[doc unit]] is utterly thankless, not because of the negotiators — by and large perfectly pleasant, capable and long-suffering bunch — but, because of its cost, heft, and inevitably negative impact on the franchise. The doc unit is therefore an irresistible “cost centre” for [[change manager|change managers]], [[management consultant|management consultants]],and [[chief operating officer]]s to fiddle with.  
One earns this Sisyphean task only to atone for a sin committed in a former life, or as an act of spite, vengeance or perverse cruelty from someone else further up the organisation than you. So, keep your friends close and — when it comes promotion time — your enemies closer.  


Therefore any efforts the person notionally in charge should make to fix things, however wise, will fail. These bright ideas will be co-opted, misinterpreted, forced through a sieve of business administration dogma and systematically brutalised until they are unrecognizable, unworkable, inexcusable, and yet inextricably associated with the [[head of the documentation unit]]. He — or she — is generally regarded as a dead man walking.
In an [[investment bank]], being a place of universal grasping fixation on advancement, it isn’t hard to find a stooge to take the role: all you have to do is present it as a [[stretch assignment]]. It is an opportunity for advancement, you see: managing three hundred people, in six centres across seven time zones, with a chance to overhaul a broken process and rock the house on a franchise-critical operational function.  


Readers who sense that the author has experienced these sensations from close range would be absolutely right.
Who would not leap at that?


Seen through the different prisms of the [[self-perpetuating autocracy]], this is what the documentation unit means:
A person with a cautious or reflective nature, that’s who. So, when they come for you, ask yourself this: ''why'' are they asking ''me'' to do this and not someone already in, or with some understanding of, the documentation unit? ''These people know something you don’t. Do not fall for their lionisation of your people management skills. IT ISN’T ABOUT PEOPLE MANAGEMENT''.
*[[Sales]]: WHERE'S MY GODDAMN ISDA?
*[[Chief Operating Officer]]: Why does this department cost so much? Where are the economies of scale? Who the hell are these people?
*[[General counsel]]: It pains me that these people are what the management committee has in mind when it thinks of the legal department.
*[[Change manager]]: Here is an opportunity to right-shore and gain credit for [[delayering]] the organization!


In an [[investment bank]], being a place of universal grasping fixation on advancement, it isn't hard to find a stooge to take the role: all you have to do is present it as a [[stretch assignment]]; an opportunity for advancement: managing three hundred people, in six centres across seven time zones, with a chance to overhaul and rock the house on a franchise-critical operational function. Who would not leap at that?
Running the [[documentation unit]] is thankless not because of the [[negotiator]]s — by and large, a perfectly pleasant, capable and long-suffering bunch, though not unknown to have cabin fever or the fractious personalities of family pets that have been kicked too often — but, because of its cost, heft, and inevitably negative impact on the franchise. It is therefore an irresistible target for the malign ministrations of the hoard of [[change manager|change managers]], [[management consultant|management consultants]] and [[chief operating officer]]s who roam unchecked in a modern investment bank. They see manifold opportunity to implement their sacred maxims: [[offshoring]], [[outsourcing]], [[operationalising]], [[Automation|automating]] — all of kind of easily-spoken ideas will flood their feverish minds.  


A person with a cautious or reflective nature. That’s who. When they come for you, ask yourself this:
These ideas, cribbed from academic texts and theoretical models which have never experienced the horror of peering into the depths of an {{isdama}}, will override any practical thoughts the poor [[head of the documentation unit]] might have had to fix things, but not before they have been co-opted, amalgamated, misinterpreted, brutalized and systematically forced through a sieve of business administration {{t|dogma}} until they are unrecognizable, unworkable, inexcusable, and profoundly the fault of the [[head of the documentation unit]].
*Why are they asking ''me'' to do this and not someone already in or with some understanding of the documentation unit? ''These people know something you don’t. Do not fall for their lionisation of your people management skills. IT ISN'T ABOUT PEOPLE MANAGEMENT''.
*Is my present role really that bad?


At that point (indeed, long before), he — or she — is generally regarded as a dead man walking.<ref>Readers who sense that the author has experienced these sensations from close range would be absolutely right.</ref>


 
{{sa}}
{{dramatis personae}}
*[[Negotiator]]
{{c|egg}}
*[[Documentation unit]]
*[[General Counsel]]
{{ref}}

Latest revision as of 18:25, 4 February 2024

People Anatomy™
A spotter’s guide to the men and women of finance.
Dead man walking.jpg
The head of the documentation unit yesterday.
Index: Click ᐅ to expand:
Archetypes

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See also the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland.

The head of the documentation unit is an accursed person in an investment bank, although he is usually the last one to recognise this. This poor sod is responsible for the performance of the sainted men and women tasked with making contractual flesh the fantastical aspirations of the credit department: the ISDA Negotiators.

One earns this Sisyphean task only to atone for a sin committed in a former life, or as an act of spite, vengeance or perverse cruelty from someone else further up the organisation than you. So, keep your friends close and — when it comes promotion time — your enemies closer.

In an investment bank, being a place of universal grasping fixation on advancement, it isn’t hard to find a stooge to take the role: all you have to do is present it as a stretch assignment. It is an opportunity for advancement, you see: managing three hundred people, in six centres across seven time zones, with a chance to overhaul a broken process and rock the house on a franchise-critical operational function.

Who would not leap at that?

A person with a cautious or reflective nature, that’s who. So, when they come for you, ask yourself this: why are they asking me to do this and not someone already in, or with some understanding of, the documentation unit? These people know something you don’t. Do not fall for their lionisation of your people management skills. IT ISN’T ABOUT PEOPLE MANAGEMENT.

Running the documentation unit is thankless not because of the negotiators — by and large, a perfectly pleasant, capable and long-suffering bunch, though not unknown to have cabin fever or the fractious personalities of family pets that have been kicked too often — but, because of its cost, heft, and inevitably negative impact on the franchise. It is therefore an irresistible target for the malign ministrations of the hoard of change managers, management consultants and chief operating officers who roam unchecked in a modern investment bank. They see manifold opportunity to implement their sacred maxims: offshoring, outsourcing, operationalising, automating — all of kind of easily-spoken ideas will flood their feverish minds.

These ideas, cribbed from academic texts and theoretical models which have never experienced the horror of peering into the depths of an ISDA Master Agreement, will override any practical thoughts the poor head of the documentation unit might have had to fix things, but not before they have been co-opted, amalgamated, misinterpreted, brutalized and systematically forced through a sieve of business administration dogma until they are unrecognizable, unworkable, inexcusable, and profoundly the fault of the head of the documentation unit.

At that point (indeed, long before), he — or she — is generally regarded as a dead man walking.[1]

See also

References

  1. ↑ Readers who sense that the author has experienced these sensations from close range would be absolutely right.
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