LinkedIn

Crappy advice you find on LinkedIn™ Go Premium LinkedIn: home of the Shit Maxim™ An occasional paean to the empty-headed aspirational gems that gush from from LinkedIn’s wellspring of bunk. Index: Click ᐅ to expand: Rubbish maxims LinkedIn: Your best version... | Your value ... | Inspirational you... | A candle in the wind... | Every boss... | Every journey... | We rise... | We lift you up... | You are dynamite... | Your example... | Game-changers and their aspirants Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Requests? Insults? We’d love to 📧 hear from you. Sign up for our newsletter.

A guilty pleasure.

Being the sort of person who likes Ed Wood movies I love LinkedIn, despite its immutable hatefulness. Its sole virtue is the sparkling clarity with which it confirms every prejudice a cynic could possibly confect about the world of free enterprise and the men and women who inhabit it.

Whether modestly disclosing industry awards one has “won” for representing a prolific advertiser in the hosting organisation’s magazine, ejaculating words of insincere delight at disclosure of those awards from those in your network, virtue signalling your profound commitment to cosmopolitan equality and flexible working, articulating pat advice on job interview techniques, posting recycled logical conundrums from Facebook that “only a genius” could solve or desperately hunting for candidates — any candidates — to fill a paralegal role in one of the Emirates (fluency in Arabic preferable!), none of the terabytes put out by denizens of LinkedIn has a tenth of the merit, interest or distraction value of other social networks — yet, yet, yet — somehow the sum of LinkedIn’s mealy-mouthed parts is strangely compelling.

After all, however idiotic LinkedIn is, the Jolly Contrarian still publishes some of its snitty ramblings (these ones), there. Do as I say, not as I do, folks.

A guide to LinkedIn profile descriptions

Title	What it means
Thought leader	Twat
Digital prophet	Total twat
Web developer	Invented the Internet
Angel investor	Recently made redundant from an executive role.
Founder	Recently made redundant from an operations role. Now contracting.
Executive coach	Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find any contracting work.
Intrapreneur	Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn't realised it yet.
Seeking new opportunities in ...	Possessed of admirable candour but no common sense at all. A weak gazelle.
Experienced financial services professional	Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
Board-level legal advisor	Recently laid off from a law firm. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
Social media advisor	(1) obsessed with twitter / instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. (2) (Ergo) Twat.
Best-selling author of...	Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your life please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic )