Template:Linkedin job descriptions: Difference between revisions

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|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|-
|-
|[[Entrepreneur]]
|''[[Entrepreneur]]''
|Used to be a [[managing director]] in [[sales]], until the bottom of the barrel [[whacked]] me, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
|Used to be a [[managing director]] in [[sales]], until the bottom of the barrel [[whacked]] her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
|-
|-
|''[[Serial entrepreneur]]''
|''[[Serial entrepreneur]]''

Revision as of 20:58, 12 April 2020

LinkedIn job descriptions

A guide to those self-penned LinkedIn profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they mean.

Title What it means
Thought leader Twat.
Digital prophet Thought leader.
Web developer Invented the Internet.
Derivatives onboarding specialist School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
Entrepreneur Used to be a managing director in sales, until the bottom of the barrel whacked her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
Serial entrepreneur Unemployable fantasist.
Angel investor Recently, belatedly, made redundant from an middle management role.
Founder and CEO... Recently made redundant from an operations role. Now contracting.
Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market Dead-set zero idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
Executive coach Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find contracting work.
Intrapreneur Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn't realised it yet.
Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
Seeking new opportunities in ... Possessed of admirable candour but no common sense at all. A weak gazelle.
Experienced financial services professional Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
Board-level legal advisor Recently laid off from a law firm after a long and defiant career in knowledge management. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
Social media advisor (1) obsessed with twitter / instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility.
(2) (Ergo) A twat.
Best-selling author of... Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your[1] life[2] please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic )
Director of talent acquisition In personnel.
Director of diversity and inclusion In personnel. Cosmopolitan-looking and adept at posting shameless canonical corporate speak on LinkedIn
Global Head of Client Experience, HR Business Partnering & Leadership, Learning, Talent and Culture, COO In personnel. See also “Thought leader”. AndCOO”, for that matter.
Digital Thought and Program Leader running large end-to-end digital programs across multiple geographies. Got laid off from a service-line role in operations at Fuji Bank. Now Founder and CEO of a Tech start-up.
Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.”
  1. I mean my life.
  2. It won't (either of them).