Template:Linkedin job descriptions

LinkedIn job descriptions

A guide to those self-penned LinkedIn profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they mean.

Title	What it means
Thought leader	Twat.
Lateral Thinker	Unable to follow a sustained argument or complex syllogism. Prone to random outbursts.
Keynote speaker	Twat.
Digital prophet	Thought leader.
Web developer	Invented the Internet.
Derivatives onboarding specialist	School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
Entrepreneur	Used to be a managing director in sales, until the bottom of the barrel whacked her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
Serial entrepreneur	Unemployable fantasist.
Angel investor	Recently, belatedly, made redundant from an middle management role.
Founder and CEO...	Recently made redundant from an operations role. Now contracting.
Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market	Dead-set zero idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
Executive coach	Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find contracting work.
Futurist	Dullard and liar (unless actually a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
Intrapreneur	Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn't realised it yet.
Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management	Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
Seeking new opportunities in ...	Possessed of admirable candour but no common sense at all. A weak gazelle.
Experienced financial services professional	Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
Board-level legal advisor	Recently laid off from a law firm after a long and defiant career in knowledge management. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
Social media advisor	(1) obsessed with twitter / instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility. (2) (Ergo) A twat.
Best-selling author of...	Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your life please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic )
Director of talent acquisition	In personnel.
Director of diversity and inclusion	In personnel. Cosmopolitan-looking and adept at posting shameless canonical corporate speak on LinkedIn
Global Head of Client Experience, HR Business Partnering & Leadership, Learning, Talent and Culture, COO	In personnel. See also “Thought leader”. And “COO”, for that matter.
Digital Thought and Program Leader running large end-to-end digital programs across multiple geographies.	Got laid off from a service-line role in operations at Fuji Bank. Now Founder and CEO of a Tech start-up.
Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record	Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.”