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A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''.  
A guide to those self-penned [[LinkedIn]] profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they ''mean''.  
{{Tabletop}}  
{{Tabletop}}  
|'''Title'''  
|<big>'''Title''' </big>
|'''What it means'''  
|<big>'''What it means''' </big>
|-
|-
|''Web developer ''
|''Web developer ''
|Invented the Internet.  
|Invented the Internet.  
|-
|'''Bullshit artists'''
|-
|-
|''[[Thought leader]]''
|''[[Thought leader]]''
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|''Futurist''  
|''Futurist''  
|Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
|Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
|-
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
|-
|'''Lifers from personnel'''
|-
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|In [[personnel]].
|-
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]].
|-
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.
|-
|'''The unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed'''
|-
|-
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
|''[[Intrapreneur]]''
Line 35: Line 53:
|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|Recently, belatedly, made [[redundant]] from an [[middle management]] role.  
|-  
|-  
|''[[Founder and CEO]]... ''
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
|-
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|-
|''[[Founder and CEO]]''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.  
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Now contracting.  
|-  
|-  
|''Executive coach ''
|''Executive coach''
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find contracting work.  
|Recently made redundant from an [[operations]] role. Unable to find work contracting.  
|-  
|-  
|''Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme/project management''
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]].
|-
|''Goals-driven executive with [[proven track record]] of success in programme management''
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
|Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
|-
|-
|''Privileged to be leading customer-focussed teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market''
|''Experienced senior operations director with [[proven track record]]''
|Dead-set ''zero'' idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.”
|-
|-
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...''
|''Seeking new opportunities in ...''
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work.
|Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. ''Never'' admit you are out of work.
|-
|''Experienced [[financial services professional]]''
|Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.  
|-
|-
|''Board-level legal advisor''
|'''Miscellaneous'''
|Recently laid off from a [[law firm]] after a long and defiant career in [[knowledge management]]. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
|-
|-
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] [[specialist]]''
|''[[Derivatives]] [[onboarding]] specialist''
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
|-
|-
Line 65: Line 88:
|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'')
|Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your ''[I mean '''my''']'' life. ''[It won’t. (Either of them).]'' Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (''[[sic]]'')
|-
|-
|''Director of [[talent acquisition]]''
|In [[personnel]].
|-
|''Director of [[diversity and inclusion]]''
|In [[personnel]]. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at [[virtue-signalling]] and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on [[LinkedIn]].
|-
|''Global Head of Client Experience, [[HR]] Business [[Partner]]ing & Leadership, Learning, [[Talent]] and [[Culture]], [[COO]]''
|In [[personnel]]. ''See also'' “[[Thought leader]]”. ''And'' “[[COO]]”, ''for that matter''.
|-
|''Digital Thought and Program Leader running large [[end-to-end]] digital programs across multiple geographies.''
|Got laid off from a [[Service line|service-line]] role in [[operations]] at Fuji Bank. Now [[Founder and CEO]] of a [[Tech start-up]].
|-
|''Experienced senior operations director with proven project management track record''
|Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities in project management. Will even consider contracting.”
{{tablebottom}}
{{tablebottom}}

Revision as of 14:27, 14 April 2020

LinkedIn job descriptions

A guide to those self-penned LinkedIn profile descriptions. We all know what they say, and let’s face it: you know what they mean.

Title What it means
Web developer Invented the Internet.
Bullshit artists
Thought leader Twat.
Digital prophet Thought leader.
Keynote speaker Thought leader.
Lateral Thinker Unable to follow a sustained argument or complex syllogism. Prone to random outbursts.
Futurist Dullard and liar (unless literally a medium or clairvoyant in which case this is market standard puffery)
Privileged to be leading customer-focused teams in an exciting network-centric IT services market Dead-set zero idea what this is even supposed to mean, but sounds disingenuous and obviously a twat.
Lifers from personnel
Director of talent acquisition In personnel.
Director of diversity and inclusion In personnel. Cosmopolitan-looking. Adept at virtue-signalling and posting shameless canonical corporate speak on LinkedIn.
Global Head of Client Experience, HR Business Partnering & Leadership, Learning, Talent and Culture, COO In personnel. See also “Thought leader”. And “COO”, for that matter.
The unemployed, and soon-to-be-unemployed
Intrapreneur Shortly to be embarking on a new career as an executive coach but hasn’t realised it yet.
Entrepreneur Used to be a managing director in sales, until the bottom of the barrel whacked her, literally, on the arse. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?
Serial entrepreneur Unemployable fantasist.
Angel investor Recently, belatedly, made redundant from an middle management role.
Experienced financial services professional Recently made redundant from an operations role. In process of resigning themselves to a life of contracting, but not quite cool with it yet.
Board-level legal advisor Recently laid off from a law firm after a long and defiant career in knowledge management. Still in denial about employment prospects but coming round to signing up for Axiom.
Founder and CEO Recently made redundant from an operations role. Now contracting.
Executive coach Recently made redundant from an operations role. Unable to find work contracting.
Digital Thought and Program Leader running large end-to-end digital programs across multiple geographies. Got laid off from a service-line role in operations at Fuji Bank. Now Founder and CEO of a Tech start-up.
Goals-driven executive with proven track record of success in programme management Fish-food aspirant. Probably in the digestive system of a carp somewhere. It is all for the best. It was a mercy killing.
Experienced senior operations director with proven track record Yet, here you are, “interested to hear of any opportunities. Will even consider contracting.”
Seeking new opportunities in ... Possessed of charming candour but no common sense at all. Never admit you are out of work.
Miscellaneous
Derivatives onboarding specialist School leaver from Gdansk, seeking fortune in Krakow.
Social media advisor (1) obsessed with twitter/instagram to the point of believing it a bona-fide commercial utility.
(2) (Ergo) Twat.
Best-selling author of... Greetings dear kind sir/madam I self publish my book i sincerely pray it will change your [I mean my] life. [It won’t. (Either of them).] Please review it on Amazon. I salute you thanks you!!! (sic)
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