Goldman: Difference between revisions
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Most firms will crave adherence to market standards. Not Goldman. This is a handy decision tree: | Most firms will crave adherence to market standards. Not Goldman. This is a handy decision tree: | ||
[[File:GS Tree.png|thumb|600px|center|Not called the [[vampire squid]] for nothing, you know.]] | [[File:GS Tree.png|thumb|600px|center|Not called the [[vampire squid]] for nothing, you know.]] | ||
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*[[Period of joinder]] | *[[Period of joinder]] | ||
*[[CEO]] | *[[CEO]] | ||
Revision as of 11:36, 18 January 2020
Always “Goldman”, a singular noun for a singular firm. Never “Goldmans”.
Look what happens when you are fast and loose with plurals in a storied trading firm. Now, maybe Lehman would have been better off had they stuck to[1] faithfully serving the Amish community online. Who knows?
Anyway, Goldman. Word has it[2] a former senior partner of this storied Wall Street broker sold his, and the firm’s undead soul[3] to Beelzebub, not realising he was an equity partner at Sullivan and Cromwell[3]. Well, how else do you go from discounting jewellers bills on a bicycle in Park Slope to being a "great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money"[4]?
The apocryphal Goldman story
There is a story[5] that a titan at Goldman sufficiently important to the firmament that he was known to all by only his familiar Christian name (let’s call him “Bob”[6]) once had occasion to call a Goldman trading desk, at the time equipped with only a multi-line dealer board.
A voice — youthful, lacking the tell-tale timbre of age and experience — picked up and, as on a trading desk one does, said:
- Trader: Goldman. (This is a statement. there is no inquiry, no rising inflection of curiousness. It's a statement.)
- Bob: Yeah, can I get Jerry? (Now, when you are known to all by your Christian name you don’t bother with formalities. But nor, for that matter, do traders.)
- Trader: He’s off the desk.
- ~click~
Now Bob might not bother with formalities, but he rather thinks he’s entitled to them. No message, even? Perhaps this young man didn’t realise to whom he was speaking. Bob calls back.
- Trader: Goldman.
- Bob: Look, it’s Bob here. Can I get Jerry?
- Trader: I just told you he’s off the desk.
- ~click~
This will not do. Bob, having dispensed with any doubt he may have been benefiting this young fellow with, calls back a final time.
- Trader: Goldman.
- Bob: Now, listen to me, son. I just called to ask for Jerry
- Trader: I listened. And I told you: he’s off the desk.
- Bob (exploding): DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
- Trader: Yes. You’re Bob. You’re the executive chairman of the firm.
- Bob: Right.
- Trader: Bob, do you know who I am?
- Bob: Ahh, ... no?
- Trader: Right.
- ~click~
Negotiation, Goldman style
Most firms will crave adherence to market standards. Not Goldman. This is a handy decision tree:
See also
References
- ↑ I know they're totally different businesses. Obviously they are: Lehmans is still trading! So, just enjoy the ride or go home, you know?
- ↑ To be absolutely clear here, word doesn't have any such thing. I made this up out of whole cloth.
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 Important Disclaimer: See the important disclaimer above.
- ↑ Whatever you think of the market, finance and bankers, you should read Matt Taibi's celebrated hit on Goldman, just for the virtuoso writing.
- ↑ Lord I wish it were true, but I doubt it.
- ↑ Not his real name, because this didn't happen, remember?