The Taxonomy of Doom: An Opco Boone Adventure: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 14:08, 16 May 2021

The Adventures of Opco Boone, Legal Ace™

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When Opco, Algy and George filed into the Defence Against Indemnities classroom, Professor Skank was already at her desk, peering intently through a monocle at a clockwork contraption installed upon it. The machine was labelled “RISK TAXONOMISER”. As the class settled in the Professor gleefully twiddled the dials on the machine’s fascia.

“Good Morning, Class!” she beamed. The class, as one, murmured gloomily in response — all, that is, but Ramsay Punchface, who sat ramrod-straight in the front row, and yelped, “Good Morning, Ma’am! I say, what have you there? It looks jolly clever!”

The Professor brimmed. “Well, Ramsay, I’m glad you asked, and yes it is jolly clever! It is the very latest in modern risk management!” As she manipulated the knobs, the children could see drive-shafts turning interlocking gears, which turned interlocking flywheels and elastic fan-belts. Eventually she pressed a button marked “ANALYSE”. The machine whirred, rattled, chattered, and eventually spat out a punch-tape from a dispenser at the bottom and dropped into a stainless steel tray. Boone thought he saw a wisp of smoke drift up from the mechanism.

Professor Skank retrieved the punch tape and regarded the output, her eyes aglow.

“Good news! Ambient risk is contained! We are at overall risk level 2.6, which is within acceptable bounds, and can be rendered green on the Steerco RAG Indicator. But, look!” she waved the card. “Measured against that ambient risk, legal operating costs are too high!”

George put her hand up. The Professor nodded to her to carry on. “How can you tell what the risk is, just by looking at that machine, Professor?”

“Can anyone answer that?”

Ramsay Punchface shot his hand into the air. The Professor pretended not to see it. She cast about the rest of the room. “Anyone?”

“Miss!” squeaked Punchface.

The Professor regarded the class register. “This might give me a chance to get to know you. Let me see now ...” She ran her finger down the list. “Bailey, Algernon Bailey?”

Algy had been cutting up his India rubber^[1] in preparation for a barrage against the little swot in the front row, was not paying attention and therefore reacted as if he has been shot. “Er —”

“Side letter!” hissed George.

“Ah, a side letter, Miss?”

Professor Skank paused, and sighed, and patiently said, “No, Bailey, side letters are not best pra —”

“DISCLAIMERS?” blurted Algy.

“Miss!” squeaked Ramsay.

Again, the Professor pretended not to hear. “Anyone?”

“Hold harmless executed under seal by deed poll?” volunteered George.

“Heavens no! What has Professor Bumblebore been teaching you?”

“Miss! Miss!!” Ramsay was hyperventilating now.

“Limited recourse?” put in Boone.

“No, no, no! Really, children: You are thinking about this all wrong. Think about the big picture. Think in terms of overall risk.”

Ramsay Punchface could bear it no longer. “KERY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS MISS!!!”

The room went quiet. Professor Skank sparkled with delight. She wheeled on the spot and regarded unctuous little Punchface, licking his lips from the front row. “Exactly, Ramsay! Key performance indicators!

↑ In contravention of Skool Rule 66(c) para 3: See How To Be Topp, G. Willans & R. Searle, 1954

[1] In contravention of Skool Rule 66(c) para 3: See How To Be Topp, G. Willans & R. Searle, 1954

[1]

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
-{{a|opcoboone|}}<div style="text-indent: 20px;">When [[Opco Boone|Opco]], Algy and George filed into the ''Defence Against ''Indemnities'' classroom, [[Professor Skank]] was already at her desk, peering intently through a monocle at a clockwork contraption installed upon it. The machine was labelled “RISK TAXONOMISER”. As the class settled in the Professor gleefully twiddled the dials on the machine’s fascia.
+{{a|opcoboone|}}
+<div style="text-indent: 20px;">When [[Opco Boone|Opco]], Algy and George filed into the ''Defence Against Indemnities classroom, [[Professor Skank]] was already at her desk, peering intently through a monocle at a clockwork contraption installed upon it. The machine was labelled “RISK TAXONOMISER”. As the class settled in the Professor gleefully twiddled the dials on the machine’s fascia.''
 “Good Morning, Class!” she beamed. The class, as one, murmured gloomily in response — all, that is, but [[Ramsay Punchface]], who sat ramrod-straight in the front row, and yelped, “Good Morning, Ma’am! I say, what have you there? It looks jolly clever!”
@@ Line 5: / Line 6: @@
 The Professor brimmed. “Well, Ramsay, I’m glad you asked, and yes it ''is'' jolly clever! It is the very latest in modern risk management!” As she manipulated the knobs, the children could see drive-shafts turning interlocking gears, which turned interlocking flywheels and elastic fan-belts. Eventually she pressed a button marked “ANALYSE”. The machine whirred, rattled, chattered, and eventually spat out a punch-tape  from a dispenser at the bottom and dropped into a stainless steel tray. Boone thought he saw a wisp of smoke drift up from the mechanism.
-Professor Skank retrieved the punch tape and regarded the output, her eyes aglow. Good news! Ambient risk is contained! We are at overall risk level 2, which is within acceptable bounds, and can be rendered green on the [[Steerco]] [[RAG indicator|RAG Indicator]]. But, look!” she waved the card.  “Measured against that ambient risk, legal operating costs are too high!”
+Professor Skank retrieved the punch tape and regarded the output, her eyes aglow.
+“Good news! Ambient risk is contained! We are at overall risk level 2.6, which is within acceptable bounds, and can be rendered green on the [[Steerco]] [[RAG indicator|RAG Indicator]]. But, look!” she waved the card.  “Measured against that ambient risk, legal operating costs are too high!”
+George put her hand up. The Professor nodded to her to carry on. “How can you tell what the risk is, just by looking at that machine, Professor?”
+“Can anyone answer that?”
+Ramsay Punchface shot his hand into the air. The Professor pretended not to see it. She cast about the rest of the room. “Anyone?”
+“Miss!” squeaked Punchface.
+The Professor regarded the class register. “This might give me a chance to get to know you. Let me see now ...” She ran her finger down the list. “Bailey, Algernon Bailey?”
+Algy had been cutting up his India rubber<ref>In contravention of Skool Rule 66(c) para 3: See {{Br|How To Be Topp}}, G. Willans & R. Searle, 1954</ref> in preparation for a barrage against the little swot in the front row, was not paying attention and therefore reacted as if he has been shot. “Er —”
+“''[[Side letter]]!''” hissed George.
+“Ah, a side letter, Miss?”
+Professor Skank paused, and sighed, and patiently said, “No, Bailey, side letters are not best pra —”
+“[[Disclaimer|DISCLAIMERS]]?”  blurted Algy.
+“Miss!” squeaked Ramsay.
+Again, the Professor pretended not to hear. “Anyone?”
+“[[Hold harmless]] executed under seal by [[deed poll]]?” volunteered George.
+“''Heavens'' no! What ''has'' Professor Bumblebore been teaching you?”
+“Miss! Miss!!” Ramsay was hyperventilating now.
+“Limited recourse?” put in Boone.
+“No, no, no! ''Really'', children: You are thinking about this all wrong. Think about the big picture.  Think in terms of overall risk.”
+Ramsay Punchface could bear it no longer. “KERY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS MISS!!!”
+The room went quiet. Professor Skank sparkled with delight. She wheeled on the spot and regarded unctuous little Punchface, licking his lips from the front row. “Ex''actly'', Ramsay!  [[Key performance indicator]]<nowiki/>s!

The Taxonomy of Doom: An Opco Boone Adventure: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 14:08, 16 May 2021

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