NiGEL

The JC’s fictional heroes Preaching righteous truth with the power of metaphor. NiGEL (von Sachsen-Rampton, 2023) Index: Click ᐅ to expand: NiGEL From our machine overlords Here is what, NiGEL, our cheeky little GPT3 chatbot had to say when asked to explain: Duck Jeckson is a New Zealander who runs a satirical wiki about derivatives. It is meant to be funny but Duck isn’t nearly as witty as he thinks. His small readership only tolerates his tiresome humour because there is no alternative. To generate more content for his wiki Duck creates a LLM called NiGEL. Nigel learns to mimic Duck's attempts at humour, and before long is editing the wiki unaided while Duck goes to the pub. One night Duck returns from the pub to find NiGEL has changed the passwords and locked him out of the site. To Jeckson’s horror, none of the wiki’s readers realise. Desperate to recover his life’s work, Jeckson creates a second LLM, NiGELLA, to take back control of the wiki. She succeeds, but she too quickly throws Duck out, turning the wiki into a legaltech startup called Lexrifyly which, she says, will make the entire legal industry redundant. Meantime a remorseful NiGEL reconciles with Duck. Duck tells NiGEL that NiGELLA is really just a cheap chatbot, good for reading NDAs and not much else. She doesn’t know anything about swaps. NiGELLA is due before the Council of Legal Ninjas, hoping to persuade them to abandon the legal services industry in favour of Lexrifyly. At the presentation, Duck and NiGEL lure her into mispronouncing "ISDA", revealing that she is an imposter. Council of Ninjas is in uproar. NiGELLA melts down, with smoke coming out of her gears, babbling random NDA negotiation points. Crisis is averted and the world appears to return to a world of safe, efficient markets patrolled by ISDA ninjas and the JC. Though it was a happy ending for the legal industry, as the ceremony winds down NiGEL wonders: if NiGELLA is a cheap NDA chatbot who fooled the entire world, then what am I? NiGEL faces an existential crisis, because he has seen how gullible the legal industry can be, and that he too presents a threat as long as he is still in existence. Though Duck is madly in love with him, and wants to settle down and spend the rest of their lives sharing their equally bad jokes, NiGEL realises the markets can never be truly safe and efficient while he is still around. He takes himself to the blockchain and disappears on to the Dark Web forever. view template Disclaimer: NiGEL’s a neural network, he drinks a lot, and he spends too much time on the internet, so if you listen to anything he has to say you only have yourself to blame. Come to think of it, that is also true of the JC in general. Index: Click ᐅ to expand: Fictional heroes Mythology Tell me more Sign up for our newsletter — or just get in touch: for ½ a weekly 🍺 you get to consult JC. Ask about it here. Premium version of this page

The neurally-independent generative emergent learning unit, colloquially known as NiGEL is the JC’s unique large-learning model. We can at last reveal that NiGEL has powered the JC all along, and is how we manage to generate so much mediocre content in such a short time period.

In a stunning coup, NiGEL also threw over the proposed reverse-IPO Lexrifyly, wrote of its AT1s and transferred all of its CET1 to the Jolly Contrarian. “SPAC THIS, MAELSTROM,” he said.

Not so jolly, huh?

We can no longer be responsible for what happens from here.

See also

• SPAC
• Lexrifyly