All-hands conference call

Conference Call Anatomy™ →Go uptown {{{2}}} Index: Click ᐅ to expand: Conference call Office life Tell me more Sign up for our newsletter — or just get in touch: for ½ a weekly 🍺 you get to consult JC. Ask about it here.

The notion that gathering 17 people around the world to stop what they're doing and listen to someone run through a spreadsheet for an hour and a half is in some way a sensible idea.

Made insufferably worse when, unexpectedly, the group gets through the agenda more quickly than expected and the call leader, who has been droning in a Jersey monotone for 47 minutes, says, “okay, we still have thirty five minutes left ...” or “I’m conscious that time is precious” as if sitting on your tedious conference call isn’t the worst conceivable use of anyone’s time, patience or goodwill.

The worst kind of conference call, with countless participants, redundantly representing all different walks of departmental life, each to donate an hour of their sorry existence in deference of the great dogma and the cast iron guarantee that nothing will be achieved beyond ratcheting the tedium and entropy in the organisation ever nearer that threshold of boredom heat death at which point all our trials will be over, the great day of judgement will be upon us, and we will at last be delivered from our suffering.