The Taxonomy of Doom: An Opco Boone Adventure

The Adventures of Opco Boone, Legal Ace™ →Go uptown Index: Click ᐅ to expand: Opco Boone Finance fiction Tell me more Sign up for our newsletter — or just get in touch: for ½ a weekly 🍺 you get to consult JC. Ask about it here.

When Opco, Algy and George filed into the Defence Against Indemnities, classroom Professor Skank was already at her desk. She was peering intently through her monocle at a clockwork contraption installed on her desk. The class settled in.

The machine was labelled RISK TAXONOMISER.

“Good Morning, Class!” she beamed. The class, as one, murmured gloomily in response — all, that is, but Ramsay Punchface, who sat ramrod-straight in the front row, and yelped, “Good Morning, Ma’am! I say, what have you there? It looks jolly clever!”

The Professor brimmed. “Well, Ramsay, I’m glad you asked, and yes it is jolly clever! It is the very latest in modern risk management!”

The Professor twiddled the dials on the machine’s fascia with a self-satisfied look. The children could see drive-shafts turning interlocking gears, which turned interlocking flywheels and elastic fan-belts. Eventually she pressed a button marked “ANALYSE”. The machine whirred, rattled, chattered, and eventually spat out a punch-tape from a dispenser at the bottom and dropped into a stainless steel tray. Boone thought he saw a wisp of smoke drift up from the mechanism.

Professor Skank retrieved the punch tape and regarded the output, her eyes aglow. Good news! Ambient risk is contained! We are at overall risk level 2, which is acceptable, and can be rendered green on the Steerco RAG Indicator. But, look!” she waved the card. “Measured against ambient risk, legal operating costs are too high!”