Ugland House

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The culture and history of the Cayman Islands
The building which stands today in memory of George Robert Maguire Ugland

A JC special apocryphal exposition

Important disclaimer: The author has never been to the Cayman Islands, and he’s hardly going to get an invitation now. There is, therefore, much fantastical speculation in this article and you should assume it is, at the very least, mostly false.

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A grand, ocean-fronted five-story Spanish hacienda, Ugland House, houses tens of thousands of homeless, cold, starving orphan special purpose vehicles. It was named after the founding father of Caribbean high finance, George Robert Maguire Ugland, who set up the first orphanage for parentless espievies in the Cayman Islands in the 1950s.

Ugland’s protogés the Maple brothers, together with their long-time collaborator, dour Glaswegian botanist A. J. N. Calder, built Ugland House into a magnificent charitable alms house. The building has supplied the world’s asset management sweatshops with a never-ending stream of disciplined, well-schooled orphan espievies for over forty years now.

In G. R. M. Ugland’s own immortal words:

“Give me your poor, huddled, lost little special purpose vehicles. Give them all to me: yea, even unto their tens of thousands. I will nourish them. I will feed them. I will shelter them, just as they will shelter you, and your taxable income.”