Cryptöagle

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Cryptöagle is a special purpose acquisition crypto corporation, or “Crypto-SPAC” founded as a division of the Lexrifyly group, the JC’s mammoth legaltech division that he made up spun off in 2022.

Launch

The C-SPAC will launch by initial token offering. Because it is crypto, it is a bit different to a normal SPAC. Better.

Instead of buying stupid old trad-fi shares in a trad-fi company, the C-SPAC will acquire non-fungible tokens representing, but not conferring any trad-fi rights to, shares in a crypto company. To counter criticisms of SPACs being some kind of opaque, trad-fi lucky dip, cryptöagle has pre-designated the crypto company whose shares it is going to tokenise: itself. This assures total transparency from the outset: investors will literally be able to see right through this offering.

Subscription

All funds raised (in USD in used, unmarked, low-denomination notes in brown paper bags, please) will be used to mint and then acquire non-fungible tokens — “jollycoins” — which will be deemed to be an amount equal to an artistic representation of cryptöagle’s own shares, which will initially be represented by ordinary shares of a limited liability company.

Anticipatory crypto-purification

Jollycoins will confer no legal ownership, of for that matter any other rights, title or interest, in the cryptöagle shares.

Recognising that this may seem sub-optimal to less credulous potential investors, to ensure the primacy of the on-chain investment, once the jollycoins have been minted, the C-SPAC promoters have resolved to ceremonially pre-destroy all cryptöagle’s shares as a condition precedent to subscription in the tokens.

This will be achieved by the novel legal technique of constructive corporate liquidation: rather than incorporating and then removing cryptöagle from the Companies Register, the C-SPAC promoters not even incorporate the company in the first place, thereby ensuring a total, unhackable air-gap with reality. Thus isolated from any grip earthly logic, jollycoins will have no taint, discolouration or other unpleasant residue of trad-fi, the offworld physical economy or any other reality, personal truth or lived experience. They will instead have independent aesthetic existence as virtual artworks, embedded for all time and all purposes, in a blockchain where they can represent, final, pure, abstract, platonic form of crypto-value.

Not referencing anything whatsoever, not backed by anything, neither explained, defended, justified or needed by anyone or anything, they will untethered from our mortal physical coil so they can float free to drift towards the moon.

C-CEO Cass Mälstrom said, “By avoiding even creating the physical shares in the first place, and only having the jollycoins representing the idea of incorporating the C-SPAC shares, we can ensure that, due to the smart contract ability of the blockchain, the unalterable jollycoin tokens are the only representation of the share that exists in the onworld or the offworld. By doing this, the value of the shares will then be moved onto the NFT.”

Branding remix

The C-SPAC has already undergone a bewildering number of branding changes, and it is less than a day old. The “Soaring Legal Eagle Acquisition Crypto Corporation” became Crypto-Eagle, which folded down to its present iteration Cryptöagle, and there is talk of a further move to “Cryptoegal” — see what we did there? — which by logical extension becomes Cryptögal, which sounds like a Marvel superhero, and therefore, sod it, because we are a rock band, Crÿptögäl. We are all about change management at Cryptöagle.

Sign of our times

It is a sign of our times that I should even have to say this, readers, but Dogecoin — also a joke — achieved a market cap at its peak of $90,000,000,000 and, well, Sam Bankman-Fried. So, for the record and lest anyone be tempted: this is a joke.

I bet some bastard is now going to actually do this and make a squillion dollars. That would be just my luck.

See also

• Lexrifyly
• Non-fungible token